The Open Wound

I’ve just seen this great show on the TV.  It’s about six young, single, New York friends.  There are three girls and three boys and they all live together but they don’t have sex with each other, well not in the early days anyway.  The boys are called Chuckler, Boy and Russ.  The girls are called Moaner, Feeble and Jennifer Aniston.  Despite living in the most famous city in the richest, most powerful country in the history of the world they are always struggling to find fulfilment or even to be adults really. Chuckler constantly bangs on about his psychological problems although he has more opportunities than 95% of the rest of the world.  That’s really funny.  Boy is always sleeping around and manages to pick up any girl he likes even though he is emotionally immature and dumps them once he has had sex.  He must be loaded with STDs. It’s hilarious.  The third one hasn’t done much so far but I expect he’ll get better.Moaner used to be fat and happy but now she’s skinny and miserable.  She looks like that character from the film ‘Scream’, you know, the one in the black cape with the knife.  Feeble is always trying to be strange, as if spending all your time drinking coffee with the same five people wasn’t strange enough.  Jennifer has a rich family but has come to the city to show she can make it on her own, she proves this by living with the other five and having a long term on and off affair with Russ.  Cool!

The audience practically wet themselves when the cast walk on set so God knows what will happen if they ever tell any jokes.  I don’t think it will last more than one series and it is probably not good enough to be repeated so catch it quick.

AA++++ Good ebayer                                                 .

This film depicts the heroic defence of the pass of Thermopylae by 300 Spartan soldiers against a massive Persian army.  As it happens there were about 1,700 other dudes helping them so really it should be called ‘The 2,000’ but perhaps I’m just splitting hairs. 

1,000 of these other dudes were listed as slaves,  that’s more than 3 slaves per Spartan, so what were they doing whilst the arrows were flying? 
“Havananus, pass me my best sword and mix me a martini, shaken not stirred.”
“Certainly, master.  Also, allow me to dab that bloodstain out with some white wine before it gets too deep into your toga.”

The heroic 300 (2,000) held up the Persian army long enough for Athens to prepare their navy for The Battle of Salamis.  It was so named because they had run out of swords by then, despite melting down their garden railings and saucepans, and resorted to belting the Persians with large, garlic and meat sausages. 
This is the origin of “Es geht um die Wurst” — German idiom meaning “now or never,” which literally translates as “it’s all about the sausage.” It’s a phrase worth learning as it can be used in many situations.
“Es geht um die Wurst!” shouted Gandalf and smote the ground with his staff, causing the bridge to break and the huge Bogle dragged him into the depths of the Mines of Maria.
“What did Gandalf the Gay, say?” asked Legless.
“Something about a sausage.” said Hobo.

The Film called ‘The 300’ has a reviewer gushing “elegantly violent“.
Isn’t that from the same school of reviewing as “awkwardly peaceful” for ‘The Sound of Music.’  Yes, I think it must be the same guy. 
If I get hold of him I’ll show him “elegantly violent”.  I’ll strangle him with my Chanel camisole and bottle him with a 1787 Chateau Lafite.

The truth is, I haven’t seen the film.  There I said it.  But when I do see it I’m sure it will be sadly colourful and sardonically scenic.