Deep impact TV

 A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and propulsion and could hit the Earth in late February or March, government officials have announced. 

“Appropriate government agencies are monitoring the situation,” said Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the National Security Council.  “The good news is that Sky Satellite customers directly beneath the falling spacecraft will receive the best pictures they’ve ever had.  Well, for a little while anyway.”

“The improved service means that we are forced to increase our prices,” said a Sky spokesman. “Paid in advance obviously.”


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Running man

 BIG-GAME hunting has returned to Britain with gunmen paying £550 apiece to shoot captive wild boar on a country estate.  At two recent trial drives, 20 “hunters” killed a total of 51 wild boar.

 “It is an adrenaline high as a 16-stone boar charges at you through the undergrowth,” said Dave Corner, a hunter who helped organise the drives.  “We have all sorts of people taking part, from car mechanics and builders to multi-millionaires. They are bored with pheasant shooting and are looking for something different.”

I don’t like to interfere in these things, especially if builders and multi-millionaires are involved, but if these guys are looking for ‘something different’ I’ve come up with a great idea.
We line up the gunmen in the woods and drive the boar towards them as usual, but in an entertaining twist we take away the high powered rifles.

“It is an adrenaline high as a 16-stone boar charges at you through the undergrowth and you haven’t got a rifle,” said Dave Corner, a hunted man trying to escape a drive.  “We have all sorts of people hiding and dying in these woods, from car mechanics and builders to multi-millionaires.  They are all wishing they had stuck to pheasant shooting.”

Mmm… I reckon with a bit of training we could get those pheasants to use shotguns.


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Key savings

I just heard an interesting advert’ on the radio.  Plancks Piano Store can save you hundreds of pounds on the Steinway piano you have always dreamed of.
Have they slashed all their prices?  No. 
Are they giving away a free piano stool with each piano? No. 
Are they doing ‘buy one get one free’? No.

It’s far more cunning than that.  What they’re doing is putting their prices up in two weeks time.  The advert’ states that if you buy your piano before then you’ll be saving money!  I told you it was cunning.

It’s a bit like a reverse sale.  Or no sale at all really.

In fact you can save thousands of pounds using this technique.  Rush out now and buy everything you need for the rest of your life, then sit back and laugh as you watch the prices going up.


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Shoddy Work

A story called ‘Three Little Cowboy Builders’ based on the ‘Three Little Pigs’ has been turned down from a government agency’s annual awards because the subject matter could offend.

The digital book, re-telling the classic fairy tale, was rejected by judges who warned that “the use of pigs raises cultural issues” and may offend ethnic minorities.  They also attacked the book for offending builders.

The judges criticised the stereotyping in the story of the unfortunate pigs: “Is it true that all builders are cowboys, builders get their work blown down, and builders are like pigs?”

The writers of these pages couldn’t possibly comment but our reporter spoke to Mr Sakcloth from Winchester who stated:
“Yes, it is undeniably true!  I’ve got through three lots of builders to try and get my extension finished.  They’ve all been like cowboys, one of them even rode a horse.  They’ve offended my wife and any passing females with lewd and sexist comments.  They leave a mess everywhere and enjoy rolling in cool mud during the warmer weather. Last weekend a passing wolf blew off the roof.  It’s unbelievable!”

Yes, it is. 
Our reporter spoke to an ethnic minority.
“Mr Patel, as a foriegner, are you offended by the story of the three little pigs?”
“I’m not a foriegner, you idiot, my grandfather was born in Leicester, I’m English!  And yes, I am offended by the three little pigs – it has a predictable plot line, weak characters and an unsurprising denouement.  Surely the wolf has every right to be annoyed by such shoddy workmanship?”

“But does the use of pigs in the story upset your religous values?”

“Look pal, don’t judge a book just by its cover, I’m not a foriegner and I’m not religious!  I’m an English Biology Professor from Imperial College London and I don’t believe in any religion, I believe in Natural Selection.”

“That’s the new Organic Range from Waitrose, isn’t it?  Does it do pork?”
“You are an idiot.  I must go now and burn some churches, Goodbye!”


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Mooody Cows

A Swedish university has received £300,000 in research funds to discover how much greenhouse gas is released when cows belch.

About 20 cows will participate in the project run by the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences.   Project leader Jan Bertilsson said 95 per cent of the methane released by cows comes out through the mouth.

“It’s the other 5% I’m worried about,” said Heidi Ikea, the junior scientist who will actually run the experiment.  “It’s all very well for those Professors to make these plans, but it’s people like me who have to carry the load, and for no extra pay.  I’ll probably just get a warm pat on the back!”

“Frankly the whole scheme is an insult,” said Cow 253, “we don’t mind giving up a bucket of milk twice a day in return for food and lodgings, but I didn’t sign a contract to be a guinea pig.”

“You didn’t sign a contract at all, you’re a cow!” interjected Cow 189.

“Look 189, you’ve been nothing but moody lately, is it your time of the month?”

“I’m milk stock, it never seems to be my time of the month,” replied 189 sadly.


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War of Independence

The town’s traffic warden, ex-marine Drill Sergeant Hartman, has been on patrol again.  When I saw him yesterday, he was in discussion with Mrs. Ballvalve-Smythe, and he had a hand on her Mobility Scooter.

“‘S’cuse me ma’m but you don’t want to be leaving your buggy there now, do you?”

“If I didn’t want to leave my scooter there, I wouldn’t have left it there!”
She looked down her nose at Hartman by tilting her head back.
“Do I look like a fool to you, constable?”

Hartman realised he’d caught a fighter, but he wasn’t going to let her go, he’d faced Charlie on Hill 69, for God’s sake!
“I’m no ‘Constable’, ma’m!”

“Well, I agree you’re no oil painting.  Out of my way, young man, I need to buy cigars.”
“M’am you cannot pass until you park up your va – hear – cal in a correct and appropriate manner.”

“Constable, if you don’t get out of my way, you will regret it!”  She eyed him over the scooter in the same way that her grandfather had glared at the Zulus over the fences at Rorke’s Drift.Hartman instinctively moved his hand down to the place where his pistol once hung.
Unfortunately, Mrs Ballvalve-Smythe thought that he was stroking his groin and lashed out with her handbag.
“Stop, that this instant!  Help!  Help!  Pervert!”

Hartman caught by surprise, didn’t bother trying to duck, after all – how hard a blow could be delivered by a little old lady’s handbag?
Well, pretty hard actually, if she carries two half kilo glass jars of pickled onions in it.
The force sent Hartman reeling backwards, across the service road and into the town’s ornamental fountain. 

Two teen aged boys sitting on the fountain surround, puffed pot smoke from within their hoodies and watched the scene with idle interest as Hartmann surfaced and swam towards them.  His manic eyes peered from beneath some waterweed that dangled from the flat of his head, as if he was recreating ‘Apocalypse Now’.

“You can take the man out of the Marines, but you can’t take the Marine out of the man,” sniggered Jason to Matt.
“It’s the meeting of two great civilisations, dude.  ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ versus ‘Jarhead’.”


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