Reptile smuggler

A Californian man has been charged with using his false leg to smuggle three endangered iguanas from a nature reserve in Fiji to the United States.  He is alleged to have constructed a special compartment inside his prosthetic limb to move the reptiles.
“It was uncomfortable, a bit itchy and there was a strange smell,” said one of the iguanas.
“Our investigation was limp, we kneeded a break but once we uncovered his plan and went out on a limb he was stumped and his lawyers won’t have a leg to stand on,’ said an overworked Customs officer.
‘It’s an unusual case, but we can handle it,’ said a court official, ‘we have reptiles in here most days.’

Posted in News Around | Tagged | Leave a comment

Captain America Civil War – film review

Knowing it was a long film we stocked up on supplies in the foyer.  I fancied an ice cream tub. The 1litre and half litre tubs with their many varieties of mixed flavours, sprinkles and choc-drops to choose from looked a bit too much for me.
Then I spied a group of 150ml tubs huddled together at the back of the bottom shelf like frightened kids in the playground on the first day of secondary school. I like chocolate as an occasional treat so I chose double-chocolate.

It was a good choice. It lived up to its description. It had two chocolate flavours and was just enough to please me. There was a cute little plastic spoon tucked away inside the lid.

I felt that a bigger tub would have taken too long to eat and confused me with the surfeit of flavours running through it. By the time I got half way through I would have felt bloated, a bit sick and my taste buds would be blunted.

Just because something is bigger and packed with more ingredients doesn’t make it better than something that is carefully considered and tightly packaged.

Next week: ‘The Nordic Avant Garde’  – at Tate Modern – a cheese and ham sandwich.


Posted in Unlikely Reviews | Leave a comment


Ok, ok, you want to know who was the female winner of Rear of the Year 2007.
Well, it was Sian Lloyd’s bum that came up trumps although a spokesman stated: “It was actually a mistake, the chief judge said,’I can’t wait to see the back of that woman!’, and we all went along with that, we’d had a big lunch and didn’t want to argue!” 
For God’s sake!  If we all voted dependant on what we’d had for dinner and whether we were in a rush to get home and see football on the tv, we’d be governed by a right bunch of muppets!  Hang on a minute…..


Posted in News Around | Leave a comment

Rear of the Year

This year’s male title went to the winner of the BBC’s Any Dream Will Do talent search Lee Mead.
He said: “It’s such an important cause and although I feel a bit overwhelmed, it’s great to raise awareness.
I keep my bum in shape by plenty of gym visits – and, of course, doing Joseph eight times a week.”
Mr Mead’s friend Joseph was unavailable for comment but a neighbour stated that although he agreed it was an important cause surely the country was already all too aware of Mr Mead’s bum.

In an unrelated matter Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell defended Lembit Opik MP’s latest magazine appearance. A feature on Mr Opik, the party’s Welsh leader, and Cheeky Girl twin Gabriela Irimia appears in Hello! magazine, discussing the couple’s happiness and her cosmetic surgery. 
“It should be easier to tell the twins apart in the dark now. Viva la difference!” said Opik in his native Welsh.


Posted in News Around | Leave a comment

Is anybody working out there?

My survey says that most people spend a large proportion of their working day playing solitaire, chatting on msn, compiling their Fantasy Football team or shopping on ebay.  Walking past the council offices this morning I could see all these activities going on.  One woman even has two screens, no doubt she can shop on one and play cards on the other.  This explains why, despite the IT people telling us that technology is saving us time, we are all still so busy.
Instead of working half the day and messing about the other half – why don’t the bosses just let us go home at lunchtime?  I’m sure we could all finish our messing about in a morning if we tried.

My mate Dunston ‘phoned to say that he is well on the way to his new island home.  He’s got to Whitstable and, once the weather calms down a bit, a local fisherman is going to take him out to it. The island is called ‘Shivering Sands’ which sounds very exotic.  His cat, Flump, and Justice, his dog have survived the train journey, although Flump found her way into the Buffet Car and frightened the Steward by goosing him with her nose when he was bending to pack his trolley.  He stood up very fast and his head connected with a tray of sandwiches which were catapulted into the train’s air conditioning unit.  As the sandwiches cooked in the motor various smells were pumped through the train.  In Dunston’s carriage they got egg and cress but in Coach A they were getting salmon and soft cheese.  A senior advertising executive travelling on the train told Dunston that it was a brilliant way of promoting a product and he would work on getting something similar on all trains.  It would make him a fortune, he said.
So if you’re travelling on a train in the near future and smell the odour of herring and spring onion, it’s not the overweight, unwashed and oily oik who is taking up half your seat and annoying you with his ‘personal’ music system, it’s the latest marketing campaign from Tesco’s Finest Range being pumped into your carriage.


Posted in News Around | Leave a comment

Away with the ferries

My mate Dunston has decided to pack it all in, sail away and live on an island.  He’s sold his 3 bed-room Barratt Home, his Audi A6, his Armani suits and his Ikea furniture.  He bought his island from an internet site and it only cost him £30,000 pounds so he’s got quite a bit of cash left over.  Today he said a tearful goodbye at the rail station and set off to the coast from where he will be ferried out to his new home.  Dunston is accompanied by his cat, Flump, who will no doubt put up with the whole thing with his customary cool attitude and his dog, Justice, who is deeply worried about the move.
Dunston has a clever lawyer who has intrusted all his (remaining) possessions to Flump, with everything going to Justice if Flump dies.  I think he said it was an EPC (Endearing Power of Catorney).

The best bit about it so far, says Dunston, is that he has been able to get rid of all the numbers and passwords that have been filling the front of his head.  He reckons that if he includes memorised ‘phone numbers, addresses and TV channels he has been able to free-up 500kb of brain hard disc and his RAM is under much less pressure since his cache has been cleared out.  Now he only has to remember his National Insurance number and Flump’s mobile ‘phone security PIN.  His mother always said he would make nothing of himself, and now he has.

Oh, God, Dunston, how I wish I was with you.  Run, run like the wind!

Posted in Unlikely Reviews | Leave a comment