The Open Wound

An Outlet

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High speed fail

May 20th, 2013 · Hearsay and Gossip, News Around

The routes of high-speed rail links to cities in the north of England have now been announced.

The 32 billion pound project will create 100,000 jobs, partly because of the thousands of additional bailiffs that will be needed to evict those that are living on the route. 

On the positive side was news that the Chancellor has managed to drastically cut the building costs with one bold move.

”We’re only building one set of tracks.  Those going north,” he said smugly, “thus avoiding 50% of the infrastructure expenses.” 

That won’t help northerners who want to travel south?
”Yes, it’s what us folk in the political biz call a win-win situation.”

But your own constituency, Tatton, is in the north.
”Is it?”

Yes, and what if you want to visit it?
”If that ever happens I will be forced to take the plane.”

First class?
”Thank you, I thought so too.”


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Doing inuendo

May 20th, 2013 · News Around

Here at the Open Wound we’re not afraid of euphemism, double-entendre and innuendo.  You may occasionally spot us slipping one in.

Like that.

But making the News this week is Dr Terence Kealey a lecturer form the University of Buckingham, who has no time for ambiguity and suggestion; he comes right out and says it how it is:

 

“Most male lecturers know that, most years, there will be a girl in class who flashes her admiration and who asks for advice on her essays.

What to do? Enjoy her! She’s a perk.”

 

Having distanced himself from every female student he has ever met and ensured a drastic fall in undergraduate applications, he now starts to demolish his marital relationship:

“The student will flaunt you her curves, which you should admire daily to spice up your sex, nightly, with the wife.”

Firstly, I don’t believe he is getting anything nightly other than troubled sleep.

Secondly he has now told his wife that he’s busy thinking about young curvy students when he’s getting his old spice at home.

 

Bravely, Dr Kealey moves his life to Defcon One by including his university colleagues in his confession:
Dr Kealey recalled the days when sex between student and tutor, in return for academic favours, could go by unchecked.

“Thanks to the accountability imposed by the Quality Assurance and other intrusive bodies, the days are gone when a scholar could trade sex for upgrades.”

 

The National Union of Students condemned the comments as insulting and disrespectful to women.

“Our members won’t be handled this way.  It might make it hard for us but we will have to suck it up and swallow the consequences.  We won’t just bend over backwards, roll over and take it.”

 

“That’s what She said,” chortled Dr Kealey.

 

Ok, so maybe he likes a little bit (of innuendo, we mean).

 

 

 

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Police Don’t Stand So Close To Me

May 19th, 2013 · News Around

The number of complaints about homophobia within the police has risen by almost a quarter, according to the Gay Police Association (GPA). 

The GPA said it was aware of colleagues refusing to serve with gay officers and quoting sections of the Bible at them on parade grounds.

Our reporter hurried to the GPA Headquarters in Dublin.
“Tell me why your members are feeling victimized,” he asked the GPA spokesman.

“Uh.. I don’t think they are.”
“They don’t feel that they are being singled out for being gay?”

“No, I think they’re proud that in a cynical world they can go about their business in a carefree and happy manner.”
“Go about their business?”

“Yes, there’s nothing finer than watching thirty strapping young men engaged in an activity they have a mutual love for.  The slap of a hand on a ball. The thrill of slotting one between the posts.”
“Slotting one between the posts?”

“Yes, the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.”
“Me too.”

“Pride in the game is the reason I joined the Gaelic Players Association.”
“Gay Lick Player?”
“Yes, you idiot, Gaelic Football!  What did you think I was talking about, and who do you think I am?”

“I thought you were a homosexual, English policeman.”

Unfortunately, our roving reporter will be out of action for several weeks whilst he recovers from his injuries.                                                                                     112515899047.jpg

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Strange but untrue

May 18th, 2013 · News Around

UFO sightings jumped by 40% in 2007, with 135 strange objects spotted in the skies of the UK.  The Ministry of Defence has released the file as part of its plan to open its archives on UFO research and sightings. “Many of the sightings were reported by the same source,” said an MI5 X-Files nerd.  “A Mrs Slowtrough from Swindon is responsible for 54 of them.”

Our reporter rushed to her address.

“Well, it all started about six months ago,” said Mrs Slowtrough, “when these flying saucers started appearing above the house, accompanied by loud banging noises.  Even more alarming is that some of them just explode for no apparent reason!”

“She’s completely batty,” said her neighbour, Colonel Balustrade, “I just hope she doesn’t upset the people who use my land.  I’ve only just got the Clay Pigeon Shooting Society to agree to pay for another six months.”

X-File closed.

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The Smoking Gun

May 18th, 2013 · News Around

Are you having trouble giving up smoking?

Tobacco could kill 1billion people in the 21st century unless governments act to reduce smoking dramatically, the World Health Organisation warned.  Governments around the world collect more than £100billion in tobacco taxes every year but spend less than one fifth of one per cent of that revenue on controlling its use, the UN agency added.

‘We hold in our hands the solution to the global tobacco epidemic that threatens the lives of one billion men, women and children during this century,’ WHO director-general Dr Margaret Chan said.

Your friends and family may nag you because smoking is going to contribute to your death, but when I was trying to give up, somebody nagging me just made me reach for the packet.

But I love you, gentle, smoking-reader, and so I am going to give you an additional incentive to stop.

Here are some pictures of just four of the Board of Directors of Imperial Tobacco:

 strategic_drybus.jpg    0001104659-07-001077_g13271mm01i018.jpg  davis.jpg  imagesca9eswxr.jpg      

They look happy don’t they?  It’s not the biggest tobacco company by a long way, but don’t worry about them, they are doing ok.  The dude on the left had a salary of £835,000 with a bonus of £802,000 and along with ‘benefits in kind’ of £22,000 (free ‘baccy?), and shares schemes, his total for 2007 from Imperial Tobacco came to £3,494,000.  He wasn’t the highest earner either.

I don’t want to get all precious about this, but I believe that sometime in the future schoolchildren will learn in history class how millions of people were killed by smoking, and they will ask why nobody in government stopped it.  In the history of the world it will have killed more people than war.

On their website Imperial Tobacco state that “studies have shown that smoking is associated with several diseases and have led public health authorities to conclude that smoking is a cause of lung cancer and other diseases in smokers.” 

Really?

They also say, “Our strategy is to create sustainable shareholder value by growing our operations both organically and through acquisition.” i.e. like any other business, they want to sell more.  Don’t blame them.  It’s their job.  They do it for the shareholders.

Next time your will-power is waning I hope this helps.

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The Trolley Problem

May 17th, 2013 · Mr Maloodah's Juicy Bits

No I’m not talking about a wonky wheel on your shopping trolley. This is a trolley on a track. Imagine that a mad philosopher has tied 5 people to a track and the trolley is coming at them at full speed. You can push a switch to divert the trolley down a secondary track with only 1 person tied to it. What do you do? 

 How about if your on a bridge above the track. You can stop the trolley by throwing something heavy in the way of the trolley. Conveniently a very fat man is standing on the bridge. Do you push him off the bridge in front of the trolley to save the 5?

 What if five criminals are tied to the track and on the second track is an innocent man. Do you sacrifice the five criminals to save the innocent man?

 What if the queen/prime minister/president is tied to one track and five normal citizens are tied to the other, whom should you save? Who would you save?  If your mother is tied to one track do you sacrifice the five to save her?

 What if you’re on the trolley and the trolley has a self-destruct button. You can blow up the trolley and save the five but kill yourself in the process. What do you do?

If you have a spare hour then some dude from Harvard will talk you through the whole thing here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBdfcR-8hEY  He doesn’t actually have any answers but he seems a nice man.

 

 

 

 

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