I don’t believe it

 “I’ve lost my Faith,” said Ted from behind the froth of his Guinness.

It was late in the evening at ‘The Slug and Philosopher’. 
The darts match had finished half an hour ago and the victorious visitors from ‘The Randy Cow’ were now sharing in the trays of snacks provided by our Pub’s new Chef.

The experimental dishes this evening included ‘A Slow Starter’ (snails in batter), ‘Flying Drumsticks’ (bat’s legs in batter), and ‘Crunchies’ (batter in batter).
Luckily, everybody was too drunk to ask what they were eating and I guess they assumed it was the usual Scampi, sausages and onion rings that normal pub’s serve.

Wayne had won his match, had drunk enough lager to fell a horse, and was enjoying his free snacks, so was just in the right mood to elucidate.

“Ah, Ted, my man, faith is a tricky subject.  To trust, to believe without reason.  Something that you cannot hold in your hand or experience with your earthly senses but is still strong enough to shape the existence of a single man and the history of all men.”

Ted raised his eyebrows at me.
“He’s off!” he mouthed.

But Wayne didn’t notice, he was in full flow.
“Some say that faith is the basis of all things, including the facts and logic that we rely on every day.  We must have faith in scientists and mathematicians to believe what they tell us, even to accept their concrete evidence and they in turn must have faith to embark upon their experiments in the first place.”

He paused for a moment to remove what looked like a small, batter-covered talon from between his back teeth.

“But of course, Religion is the place where we examine Faith most keenly.  All religions rely on Faith although most claim to have ‘evidence’ of their god in some way.  Followers have Faith that leading a ‘good’ life as instructed by their god will lead to a reward after death. 

Everybody struggles with their faith Ted, what are you worried about?”

Ted eyed him evenly.
“I was out shopping with the wife this afternoon and we got separated in ‘Marks and Spendloads’.  I came home on the bus but she hadn’t turned up by the time I left for the pub’.”

“So what’s this got to do with Faith?” Wayne looked bewildered.

“That’s the wife’s name, ‘Faith’.  I think I’ve lost my Faith.”

Do you know something; I reckon Ted does it just to wind us up.

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Deep impact TV

 A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and propulsion and could hit the Earth in late February or March, government officials have announced. 

“Appropriate government agencies are monitoring the situation,” said Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the National Security Council.  “The good news is that Sky Satellite customers directly beneath the falling spacecraft will receive the best pictures they’ve ever had.  Well, for a little while anyway.”

“The improved service means that we are forced to increase our prices,” said a Sky spokesman. “Paid in advance obviously.”


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Running man

 BIG-GAME hunting has returned to Britain with gunmen paying £550 apiece to shoot captive wild boar on a country estate.  At two recent trial drives, 20 “hunters” killed a total of 51 wild boar.

 “It is an adrenaline high as a 16-stone boar charges at you through the undergrowth,” said Dave Corner, a hunter who helped organise the drives.  “We have all sorts of people taking part, from car mechanics and builders to multi-millionaires. They are bored with pheasant shooting and are looking for something different.”

I don’t like to interfere in these things, especially if builders and multi-millionaires are involved, but if these guys are looking for ‘something different’ I’ve come up with a great idea.
We line up the gunmen in the woods and drive the boar towards them as usual, but in an entertaining twist we take away the high powered rifles.

“It is an adrenaline high as a 16-stone boar charges at you through the undergrowth and you haven’t got a rifle,” said Dave Corner, a hunted man trying to escape a drive.  “We have all sorts of people hiding and dying in these woods, from car mechanics and builders to multi-millionaires.  They are all wishing they had stuck to pheasant shooting.”

Mmm… I reckon with a bit of training we could get those pheasants to use shotguns.


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Key savings

I just heard an interesting advert’ on the radio.  Plancks Piano Store can save you hundreds of pounds on the Steinway piano you have always dreamed of.
Have they slashed all their prices?  No. 
Are they giving away a free piano stool with each piano? No. 
Are they doing ‘buy one get one free’? No.

It’s far more cunning than that.  What they’re doing is putting their prices up in two weeks time.  The advert’ states that if you buy your piano before then you’ll be saving money!  I told you it was cunning.

It’s a bit like a reverse sale.  Or no sale at all really.

In fact you can save thousands of pounds using this technique.  Rush out now and buy everything you need for the rest of your life, then sit back and laugh as you watch the prices going up.


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Shoddy Work

A story called ‘Three Little Cowboy Builders’ based on the ‘Three Little Pigs’ has been turned down from a government agency’s annual awards because the subject matter could offend.

The digital book, re-telling the classic fairy tale, was rejected by judges who warned that “the use of pigs raises cultural issues” and may offend ethnic minorities.  They also attacked the book for offending builders.

The judges criticised the stereotyping in the story of the unfortunate pigs: “Is it true that all builders are cowboys, builders get their work blown down, and builders are like pigs?”

The writers of these pages couldn’t possibly comment but our reporter spoke to Mr Sakcloth from Winchester who stated:
“Yes, it is undeniably true!  I’ve got through three lots of builders to try and get my extension finished.  They’ve all been like cowboys, one of them even rode a horse.  They’ve offended my wife and any passing females with lewd and sexist comments.  They leave a mess everywhere and enjoy rolling in cool mud during the warmer weather. Last weekend a passing wolf blew off the roof.  It’s unbelievable!”

Yes, it is. 
Our reporter spoke to an ethnic minority.
“Mr Patel, as a foriegner, are you offended by the story of the three little pigs?”
“I’m not a foriegner, you idiot, my grandfather was born in Leicester, I’m English!  And yes, I am offended by the three little pigs – it has a predictable plot line, weak characters and an unsurprising denouement.  Surely the wolf has every right to be annoyed by such shoddy workmanship?”

“But does the use of pigs in the story upset your religous values?”

“Look pal, don’t judge a book just by its cover, I’m not a foriegner and I’m not religious!  I’m an English Biology Professor from Imperial College London and I don’t believe in any religion, I believe in Natural Selection.”

“That’s the new Organic Range from Waitrose, isn’t it?  Does it do pork?”
“You are an idiot.  I must go now and burn some churches, Goodbye!”


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Mooody Cows

A Swedish university has received £300,000 in research funds to discover how much greenhouse gas is released when cows belch.

About 20 cows will participate in the project run by the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences.   Project leader Jan Bertilsson said 95 per cent of the methane released by cows comes out through the mouth.

“It’s the other 5% I’m worried about,” said Heidi Ikea, the junior scientist who will actually run the experiment.  “It’s all very well for those Professors to make these plans, but it’s people like me who have to carry the load, and for no extra pay.  I’ll probably just get a warm pat on the back!”

“Frankly the whole scheme is an insult,” said Cow 253, “we don’t mind giving up a bucket of milk twice a day in return for food and lodgings, but I didn’t sign a contract to be a guinea pig.”

“You didn’t sign a contract at all, you’re a cow!” interjected Cow 189.

“Look 189, you’ve been nothing but moody lately, is it your time of the month?”

“I’m milk stock, it never seems to be my time of the month,” replied 189 sadly.


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