Loonies

In a continuation of these pages interest in the planned shooting down of a rogue satellite, we can now reveal that the US went ahead and did it last night (GMT).

“We’re pretty sure we got it,” said a Navy spokesman.  “We definitely hit something and it blew up.  It was the satellite.  Probably.”

Citizens of Earth can now rest assured that a small number of people will not be hit by large pieces of satellite; instead, a far greater number of people will be hit by small particles of space debris.  NASA has denied that this will be a problem but have stated that if you see a work colleague slumped over their desk you should check their body for tiny holes before assuming they are asleep.

“It’s some sort of cover up,” said an Internet Nerd, “surely it can’t be a coincidence that the day the US shoot down a so-called ‘satellite’ is the same day there’s a full Lunar eclipse, and the same day the Civil Aviation Authority announce new flight paths for aircraft over the UK!”

Yeah, very strange.  I also notice that Man’ United player Ronaldo was dazzled by a laser beam during their so-called ‘soccer match’ against Lyon last night. 

Curiouser and curiouser.

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Stitched up

‘Ok Doctor Albee, before we start operating on this guy we need to run through the checklist.’
‘What checklist is that, Doctor Beulah?’

‘The Surgical Safety Checklist, of course!  Weren’t you listening at the W H O lecture?’
‘To be honest Beulah, I was chilling to some tunes on my iPod, those world health guys are so boring.’

‘You should’ve been paying attention – six questions that could save  half a million lives a year lost during surgery.’
‘Most of ‘em in this place I reckon.’

‘Question number one: “Do you know the name and job of everyone on the team?”’
‘It’s just us two Beulah. I serve ‘em up and you carve.’

‘Two: “Has the anesthetic machine been checked?”’
‘Yep, it’s still over there beside the George Foreman grill.’

‘Three: “Are the patient’s oxygen levels being monitored?”’
‘Well as long as we’re breathing ok i guess he is.  We’re all in the same room and we’re working hard whilst he’s just lying there.’

‘Four: “Are you operating on the right patient?”’
‘He’s definitely one of the right patients. He was first in today’s queue.’

‘Five: “Are you performing the right operation?”’
‘We’re performing all the right operations, not necessarily in the right order.’

‘And the last one, number six: “Have you removed all instruments from the patient’s body?”’
‘He was holding a trombone when I wheeled him in, but I’m not too sure where that’s got to.’

‘Ok Doctor Albee we’re done, pass my pen and I’ll tick all the boxes.’
‘I can’t see your pen Beulah. It was here with your phone, just before I sewed him back up, but they’re both gone now. Strange.’

‘Where’s that ringing sound coming from?’

Phone

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Overkill

 The US Navy is on standby to shoot down a falling spy satellite before it enters Earth’s atmosphere.

Several missiles may be used in case the first one misses, the technical term for this is a ‘volley’ or ‘shower’ of missiles.  Some scientists are worried that the missiles that fail to hit the satellite will fall back to earth and explode in our cities. A bit like in that film, ‘Our Own Missiles are Falling into our Cities’.

However, Russian Education and Health spokesman, Iva Bunnka, stated:
“Citizens of the World have no cause for alarm. The Russian Health service has its own glorious missiles locked onto the missiles of the decadent US Navy.  We will launch a shower of anti-missile missiles that may or may not resolve the situation.”

“But what if your missiles fall back to earth?” asked a fledgling reporter from “The Planet” newspaper.

“Do not worry about that,” said Ernst Stavro Blofeld from the back of the hall, “I have the perfect solution.”

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True Grit

The UK is gripped by another, immense, 4 inch deep, deluge of snow and a new urban myth has emerged; the ‘Phantom Gritter’.

As the local councils run out of road salt and argue amongst themselves about whose fault it is, the government purloin supplies of the precious minerals that were destined for the Germans and the general public panic and stay at home to watch day time TV.

God Help Us All.

But during the night, as the populace huddle beneath their blankets in front of their gas fires and portable convector radiators, the low growl of a large motor vehicle and a flashing emergency light tempts them to peer from behind their John Lewis curtains.

“What is it daddy?” ask nervous children, cowering behind their mothers skirts.

“That my child is what we call a ‘Gritter’,” says dad. “In the old days the Gritter lorries would spread rock salt and sand onto the roads to stop them becoming icy and dangerous.”

“Who drives the ‘Gritter’, daddy?”

“Nobody knows that, my child. The shadowy figure in the cab of the Gritter is an unsung hero. Even though there is no longer any Grit he still drives all around the town every evening.”

“Why does he drive a Gritter with no Grit daddy?”

“To give the residents hope. And because of the special Overtime Rate that will be applied to his extra hours.”

“Will you have enough hope to try and get in to work tomorrow, daddy?”

“Isn’t it time you were in bed, son?”

More than 4 inches

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Cryptic Code

Manchester United footballer, Nani, has been criticised for playing ‘keepy-uppie’ during the match with Arsenal.  The fact that he had scored two goals and helped create two more was torment enough for the Arsenal players and this piece of exhibition play was just rubbing salt in the wound.

Doing ‘keepie-uppies’ during a match is against the Unwritten Code of the professional footballer.  The Code is unwritten to spare the embarrassment of those who cannot read.

Things that the Code does allow include: attempting to break the opposition’s legs, spitting, sleeping around with wannabe celebrities, taking recreational drugs and fighting in night clubs.  

‘Keepie-uppies’ and ‘exhibitionist tricks’ that involve skill offend those who have to watch.  Many of us feel offended watching Ronaldo doing those bloody stepovers all the time.

Don’t worry though, gentle reader, justice was handed out by the other players and Nani got abused and kicked for his efforts, so our children could see that their role models are of strong moral character. 

I seem to remember that he only managed four anyway, and I did six once, although one of them was off the cat’s head. 

Alright then, it might have been five, but the Code allows for lies.

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Not waving but driving

A car that can be driven underwater is set to be unveiled next month.
“For three decades I have tried to imagine how it might be possible to build a car that can fly under water,” said the head of Rinspeed. “Now we have made this dream come true.”

“Why would anybody need a car that travels under water?”

“It is undoubtedly not an easy task to make a car watertight and pressure resistant enough to be maneuverable under water,” said Rinderknecht. “The real challenge however was to create a submersible car that moves like a fish in water.”

“But why would anybody want that?”

Aesthetic appeal aside, the open-top design of the car is actually a safety feature that permits passengers to get out quickly during an emergency

 “It’s not even got a roof, then? So the passengers get wet and have to breathe through aqualungs?”

Yes.

“So why would anybody want that, then?”

The car can descend up to 10 metres.

“Why. Why, why why?”

You’re not getting into the spirit of this.

“How much is it?”

Sorry, I have to go now.  If I can just get this bloody thing to start .. I think I’ve flooded the engine.

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