A fare cop

An alleged mobile brothel in the US state of Florida has taken its last ride following a police sting.

Undercover detectives in Miami Beach allegedly paid a $40 entry fee to board the vehicle and found women offering sex acts and lap dances for money.


A similar operation was uncovered in Cobham, England when two off duty police officers accidentally boarded the ‘Surrey Sexpress’, as it is known by the locals.


“The bus pulled up at the stop and the driver asked if anybody wanted a number sixty-nine stating that he was ‘going all the way’,” said Constable Happening.


His colleague, Sergeant Incident, said that it took a while for them to realise exactly what was going on.

“I first became suspicious when the driver told me that there was ‘plenty of room on top’ and I noticed that it wasn’t a double-decker bus.  He kept shouting ‘hold very tight, please’ and laughing.”


Their suspicions were confirmed when the Ticket Inspector removed her clothes and danced around the seats.


“She certainly punched my ticket,” said Constable Happening.  “When I said I wanted a single to Mount Vernon she charged me an extra thirty pounds.”


The driver was later charged with several offences including ‘Entering a box before the exit was clear’ and ‘Using a route reserved for one way traffic in the wrong direction’


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On a pedestal

More than 2,400 people will occupy Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth over 100 days as part of a living artwork.

Antony Gormley won the opportunity to showcase ‘The One and the Other’. His work will allow volunteers to stand on the plinth, for one hour at a time.
Gormley said:

“Through elevation onto the plinth and removal from common ground, the body becomes a metaphor, a symbol and allows us to reflect on the diversity, vulnerability and particularity of the individual in contemporary society.”

Jonah Motor, Minister of Culture for Catford, said:

 “That’s the most pretentious bag of crap-speak it’s been my misfortune to hear.  Giving a procession of no-hoper wannabes the chance to pose in Trafalgar Square is about as artistic and meaningful as having your children’s names tattooed across your back!”

“I’ve asked if me and the wife can go on first,” said Mister Beckham of Los Angeles.  “I’ll do some of me keepie-uppies and the missus can try singing.”

“We’ll try and get her the coveted 3am slot,” said a spokesman


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International news

An Arab country’s ambassador to Dubai has had his marriage contract annulled after discovering the bride was cross-eyed and had facial hair.  The woman had worn an Islamic veil, known as the niqab, on the few occasions the couple had met. 
“This wouldn’t happen in a Western society,” said a spokesman from somewhere.  “In Glasgow, where I come from, we use alcohol to deaden our perceptions and enhance the beauty of the opposite sex.  I married a lovely girl whilst under the influence of sixteen bottles of Special Brew only to discover when I became sober, six months later, that it was actually my greyhound ‘Fast Henry’.  No wonder we were having trouble starting a family.”

An Australian performance artist has set a Guinness world record by swallowing 18 swords at the same time.  Chayne Hultgren, also known as the Space Cowboy, beat his own 2008 record by swallowing the swords.   
At a press conference several journalists suffered lacerations to the lower body when Mr Hultgren bent to tie his shoe laces and later paramedics were called when it was discovered that he had become impaled on his chair after sitting down too quickly.  
“It’s what we call a deep seated condition,” said somebody who may have been a doctor.  “To be blunt he’s going to have to carry a supply of corks and try and put all this behind him.”


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Snow on Mars

Nasa’s Phoenix lander has unearthed compelling evidence of ice on Mars, mission scientists believe.

Chunks of a bright, white material found in a trench dug by the craft have disappeared over four Martian days, suggesting they have vapourised.

Local inhabitants are keeping a careful eye on events.

“What’s the little alien guy doing today, Spangle 10?”
“He’s still rummaging around in his mud trench, Fruitella 521.”

“Has he been eating more rocks?”
“No, it’s more worrying than that; he seems to have found our stash.”

“Our stash?”
“Yes, Spangle 10, he uncovered our ‘blow’.  Our ‘Gold dust’.  ‘Cecil’ is exposed.  The ‘snow’ is on show.  The ‘flake’ is there for the take.”

“Has he noticed?”
“I don’t think so, I’ve been smuggling it away when he’s not looking.  He’s definitely a sandwich short of a picnic, that one.  He seems obsessed with performing the same repetitive tasks.  Backwards and forwards.  Dig a trench.  Dig another trench.”

“You know that repetitive, obsessive behaviour can be a symptom of addiction, don’t you Spangle 10?”
“That’s it then: we’ve gone and created an addict.  What shall we do with the poor little guy and the rest of the stash?”

“See if we can sell it to him at 120 dollars a gram before he discovers the planet’s practically made out of it.”

 Mars snow





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Runner beans

I see from the local paper that the Immigration Department have raided one of the town’s eight Indian Restaurants.

Officials stormed into the Rim of Fire Restaurant shortly after doughnut time last Thursday.  Three of the staff tried to escape when the police demanded to see proof of identity, work visas or fifty pound notes.

The two South African waiters, Fitch MacOat and Getma Hat, ran through the storeroom for the street but were intercepted by Constable Happening who managed to beat them to the ground with a frozen Alsatian dog’s leg, (or was it an Alsatian dog’s frozen leg?).

Eastern European head-waiter, Emay Droppadish, made it up the stairs and onto the rooftops and is still being hunted by the authorities.

“He attempted to grab some provisions on the way out,” said Sergeant Incident, “Unfortunately for him; all he picked up was a bag of corn and a six litre container of coffee beans”.

The hunt is on for an agitated man with dilated eyes and a rapid heartbeat.
Police suspect he has gone to ground.

  Beans of the coffee variety              

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The price of immortality

A college at Cambridge University has been renamed after a former student who donated £30m.

New Hall will become Murray Edwards College after donors Ros and Steve Edwards and founder Dame Rosemary Murray.


Immortality for sale! 

I quickly contacted my old secondary school in sleepy Middle England, only to find that after many years of attempting to educate the local farm hands, inbreds and village idiots they have given up, closed it as a Comprehensive and sold it to the Church of Scientology. 


However, the new owners seem pretty nice people and told me that for the right sort of donation I could still achieve immortality.  For £100 I could have one cubicle in the boys’ toilets named after me or for a mere £50 an oven in the Food Technology Unit (kitchen) would carry my name.  A tenner gets you your own hook in the cloakroom.


Alternatively, for £1m I could avoid death altogether and fly off in a space ship.


Mmmm… what to choose?


I only have bad memories of the toilet cubicles.  Chronic diarrhoea might possibly force a pupil to face the bullying that would accompany a toilet visit, otherwise it was literally a no go area.  No fond recollections of the kitchen either, although it was easier to urinate there.

What about a coat hook?

No bad experiences for me personally, but often I would walk past the cloakroom and see small boys hanging by their blazer collars from the hooks.
“’Morning Joseph, you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok Pete.  Just hanging out, you know.”

You had to laugh and keep walking in case the teachers hung you up as well.


In the end I gave the Church £25 to have my name carved into the wood of “Wackers Ashy”.  A mad History teacher named Randall intimidated and punished the pupils with this long, thick, ash cane.   

If “Wackers Ashy” is ever used in anger again the name ‘Dr Pete’ will be immortalised into the soft flesh of a young person’s buttocks.  
Although, come to think of it, it will say ‘eteP rD’.


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