You know those Churchill Insurance adverts?  I don’t reckon that’s a real dog.  Dogs are proud creatures whose main failing is that they are cursed to worship Man.  I don’t believe that a real dog would talk all that rubbish, not for any amount of money.  The same with that ITV morning show.  That Presenter, he was once a tennis player.  Tennis players are proud creatures, they wear clean white clothing and they stalk backward and forwards on tightly mown, emerald green grass.  They brandish expensive racquets with which they blast tennis balls at their equally proud opponents.  He shouldn’t be sitting there, wearing make-up, his hair dyed and solid with gel, forced to talk fatuous, mindless rubbish. He should be running free, his mane blowing in the breeze.  Or maybe out to Stud, perhaps he’d prefer that.


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The Governator won’t be back

Governor of the State of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, made an on-screen appearance at the Conservative Party Conference.  He was due to appear in person but backed out because he had to remain at home to discuss more important issues – his swimming pool filter has jammed up and his cat has gone missing (I suspect a connection there).
When the Governator appeared on the huge screen many of the audience ran for the doors believing that Judgement Day had arrived or, worse still, it was that awful Chiggy Bank item from the Ant and Dec Show. 
Once they had returned to their seats Mr Schwarzenegger paid tribute to Mr Cameron as “a new, dynamic leader” and an “optimist” and hailed his leadership on green issues.
There was another surge towards the doors by those believing they were at the wrong conference or, worse still, it was that awful Set Up item from the Ant and Dec show. 
But no, the Governator was serious and he continued “These are not conservative issues. These are not liberal issues.”
(More movement in the crowd by those thinking they had come to the Labour conference in error).
“These are issues everyone cares about. These are people’s issues. They want action and results, not ideology and stalemate.‘The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity,’ Winston Churchill once said.  ‘The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty’. I agree 100%. I saw difficulty in coming to Blackpool and I saw an opportunity to avoid it.”
Mr Cameron thanked Arnie for his ideology and wished him well in the search for his cat.     


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The 300 – Review

This film depicts the heroic defence of the pass of Thermopylae by 300 Spartan soldiers against a massive Persian army.  As it happens there were about 1,700 other dudes helping them so really it should be called ‘The 2,000’ but perhaps I’m just splitting hairs. 

1,000 of these other dudes were listed as slaves,  that’s more than 3 slaves per Spartan, so what were they doing whilst the arrows were flying? 
“Havananus, pass me my best sword and mix me a martini, shaken not stirred.”
“Certainly, master.  Also, allow me to dab that bloodstain out with some white wine before it gets too deep into your toga.”

The heroic 300 (2,000) held up the Persian army long enough for Athens to prepare their navy for The Battle of Salamis.  It was so named because they had run out of swords by then, despite melting down their garden railings and saucepans, and resorted to belting the Persians with large, garlic and meat sausages. 
This is the origin of “Es geht um die Wurst” — German idiom meaning “now or never,” which literally translates as “it’s all about the sausage.” It’s a phrase worth learning as it can be used in many situations.
“Es geht um die Wurst!” shouted Gandalf and smote the ground with his staff, causing the bridge to break and the huge Bogle dragged him into the depths of the Mines of Maria.
“What did Gandalf the Gay, say?” asked Legless.
“Something about a sausage.” said Hobo.

The Film called ‘The 300’ has a reviewer gushing “elegantly violent“.
Isn’t that from the same school of reviewing as “awkwardly peaceful” for ‘The Sound of Music.’  Yes, I think it must be the same guy. 
If I get hold of him I’ll show him “elegantly violent”.  I’ll strangle him with my Chanel camisole and bottle him with a 1787 Chateau Lafite.

The truth is, I haven’t seen the film.  There I said it.  But when I do see it I’m sure it will be sadly colourful and sardonically scenic.


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Crocodile tale

Three homesick crocodiles in Australia have shocked experts by returning hundreds of kilometres back to their homes after being relocated. One large croc was trapped on the west coast of Queensland’s rugged Cape York Peninsula. It was flown by helicopter to the east coast. Within three weeks it was back home, after a journey of more than 400km (250 miles). It is unclear, though, what enables the reptiles to navigate so skilfully.
Professor Franklin said crocodiles probably used many factors such as their position to the Sun, magnetic fields, sight, and smell to navigate.

“That Franklin gets on my tits,” said one crocodile, who didn’t want to be named.
“How the hell do you smell your way 250 miles?  We use yer run of the mill Ordnance Survey Memory Map coupled with state of the art GPS.”

“A crocodile with GPS, how does that work?” asked our reporter.

“A GPS receiver must be locked on to the signal of at least three satellites to calculate a 2D position (latitude and longitude) and track movement. With four or more satellites in view, the receiver can determine the user’s 3D position (latitude, longitude and altitude). Once the user’s position has been determined, the GPS unit can calculate other information, such as speed, bearing, track, trip distance, distance to destination, sunrise and sunset time and more,” stated the crocodile.

“He’s not usually so snappy,” said Franklin, “it’s probably because they didn’t let him pilot the helicopter.”


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Concert review


Barbra Streisand 

Thousands of people who complained about the facilities at a Barbra Streisand concert in County Kildare in July are to be compensated.
Traffic jams, seating problems, a lack of stewarding and mucky conditions led to 1,144 letters of complaint representing about 2,500 people. 
BBC News

735 of the complaint letters came from Barbara Streisand herself.  Her towels were too pink and her soap wasn’t pink enough.  Her peppermints were too peppery and her personal steward was stewed.  And so it went on, it was a nightmare for the poor woman, and they had the cheek to ask her to sing! 

Those of the crowd who bothered to stay long enough to hear the actual concert are to receive further compensation for their additional suffering.

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The Forward Guide Vane – Atonement review

The wife has been to see ‘Atonement’ at the cinema and was keen to discuss the finer points of this dramatic masterpiece.
“When she gets out of the fountain her dress is so wet that you can see her front bottom.  She’s got a lot of hair for a skinny girl!”
“Perhaps she’s wearing a merkin,” I suggested.
“What the hell’s a merkin?”

A merkin is a pubic wig and they have been around (and about) for over four hundred years, although I would buy a new one if you’re going to indulge yourself.
The merkin man called at the houses of the Gentry and sold his wigs to Ladies who had removed their God-given pubic hair to combat lice infestation.  If the Man of the house answered the door, to spare the blushes of the Lady, the merkin man would pretend that he was selling false beards.  This could lead to some embarrassing mix ups in the bedroom, especially if the couple had similar tastes and had chosen the same design and colour.  In fact, Brian Rix had a play running in the West End that was based entirely on that situation.  Hilarious.

The nursery rhyme, ‘Have you seen the Muffin Man?’ is actually a corruption of the original, ‘Have you seen the Merkin man, with merkins curled or plain?’

A vertical aerodynamic fin called the Merkin first saw its use in Formula One on the Williams FW22A (2000) (as named by Chief Aerodynamicist Geof Willis), although this name was changed to the more common name of “Forward Guide Vane” after higher authorities found out its true meaning. 

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