A time and a pace

A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. Dr. Irwin Goldstein, editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, cited a four-week study of 1,500 couples in 2005 that found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. (Women in the study were armed with stopwatches.)

“Hold on a minute love, I’ve got to start the watch. OK?  Ready, go!”

“Oooh crap!  I’ve got my leg trapped in the sheet, I’m going to have to stop.  Quick, quick stop the watch!”
“But you’ve only been going 23.5 seconds!”

“I don’t care, I’ve got bloody cramp now.”
“Well how can I enter 23.5 seconds as a result?”

“You can’t enter it as a result. We’ll have to start again and add the two times together.”

“But that’s not fair, you’ve had a rest!”

“A rest!  You call agonising leg cramp ‘a rest’?  Besides, who’s going to bloody know!”

“If you’re going to cheat, we may as well not bother at all!”

“I knew it would end like this; why can’t you do anything without a fuss?” 
“It’s you that’s got the cramp!”

“Look, let’s not bother.  You enter 7.3 minutes as our result and we can both get some sleep.”
“Suits me!”

“Stupid sex journal therapists.”

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In space no one can hear you scream

 Disruption at Heathrow’s new £4.3bn Terminal 5 is continuing for a fifth day, with 54 flights grounded and a backlog of 15,000 bags.

A spokesman stated that the reason for the backlog was ‘technical’ and he was not authorised to discuss it.  However, our roving reporter, Tim Flaps, found one baggage handler who was willing to be interviewed, although his voice is disguised here to protect him.

“Yeah, well, the reason for the chaos is that we have less baggage handlers now,” said Brian Wilson, a baggage handler who did not wish to be named. 
“Is that because the new technology means less workers are needed?” 

“No, it’s because they’ve started to disappear.”
“They haven’t been turning up for their shift because they don’t like the new technology?”

“No Mister Flaps, they’ve been clocking on ok.  They just disappear.”
“Where are they going then?”

“Through holes in the baggage tunnels walls like this hole here.  Look I’ll just move the Poker table and the beer barrels to give you a better view.”   
“That’s a large hole, Brian.”

“Yeah, that’s what we in the business call a ‘man-size’ hole, and it’s cut through two inches of steel!”

“What’s that gooey goo around the edges, where the metals melting?”
“It appears to be some form of organic acid, mate.”

“And what’s that stuff on the floor, like snake-skin?”
“That’ll be discarded carapace, we find that in all the baggage tunnels.”

“That’s very interesting, I think I’ll just pop my head in for a closer look.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I was you, Mr Flaps.”

“Mr Flaps?  Mr Flaps, are you there?”

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None so blind as those that will not see

28 March

Why is Google black today?

Apparently Google have put the lights out to help spread the word about ‘Earth Hour’.

Tonight between 8 and 9pm you are encouraged to participate in this world wide event and turn your lights out.  Wanting to find out more I tried to get to the Earth Hour website but it’s unavailable.  Looks like they’ve turned it off to save energy or something.

Anyway, the main thing is that by turning off your electricity you will be doing something and this will be appreciated by somebody somewhere else.  It will send a pretty clear warning to the Chinese that if they don’t get their act together we might turn our lights off again.  Probably sometime in the summer when it’s easier to see after dark.

Some people are worried that sitting without lights, TV or microwave for an hour to save energy could be boring, but I would encourage them to get in their cars and go for a drive, see what’s going on.  Perhaps go down to the local Chinese restaurant and encourage them to turn those wasteful ovens and gas hobs off.  Then possibly a visit to the hospital to see how they are coping in Accident and Emergency without electricity.  You could even turn a few things off yourself whilst you’re there to encourage them.

It’s all about encouragement.

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Not tonight Darling

Licensees across the country are rushing to join a campaign to ban the Chancellor from every pub   Following Alastair Darling’s decision to ignore pleas to freeze beer duty and help save pubs, the Chancellor instead whacked 4p on a pint and promised a 2% above inflation rise for the next four years.Ian Pitbull, the landlord of “The Bucket of Blood” public house in Dagenham, has written to the Chancellor to inform him of the ban. (Well, his mum actually did the writing).

‘We don’t really get that much business from Mister Darling,’ said Mr Pitbull, ‘in fact I don’t think he’s ever been to my gaff or even to Dagenham come to that.  But if he ever does come here, and assuming we recognize him, and assuming he wants a drink, and it’s something we actually sell and we’re open – he won’t be served! Probably.’

There was a similar move in the Chancellor’s local pub in South Edinburgh.
‘Yeah, he’s banned here too,’ said the landlord, ‘but not because of the Budget.  He’s banned because he’s always getting into fights with punters who take the piss out of his poxy name!’

And what about the public house near Chequers, the governments country retreat, will Alistair Darling find comfort at “The Rat’s Refuge”?
‘No, he bloody won’t!’ said the landlord.
‘Because of the Budget?’
‘No, because he’s another poncey lawyer. I hate ‘em, we never served the bleedin’ Blairs either!’
 

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Poor show

It is with regret that these pages confirm that the English TV Show “‘Allo, ‘allo” has been sold to the Germans and will be broadcast and dubbed into German in its entirety.

How will Officer Crabtree be received in the German version, with his mangled French, “Good Moaning!” ?   How often did we laugh at that? No, really, how often?

And how amusing will the Germans find Michele and her catchphrase “Listen very carefully, I will say zis only once!” after she has said it in every episode?

Well, let’s be honest, it wasn’t funny in English was it? 

Aah… the number of times I sat through that awful, bland, humourless tripe because one of the more retarded members of my family insisted on watching it and there was nothing else on, and now some clever bastard has managed to foist it off on the poor Germans.

How embarrassing for us that they will see such a poor example of British humour, relying on tired catch phrases and childish innuendo.  How many times can we be expected to laugh because a painting is named “The Maddona with the big Boobies” or fall out of our chairs because somebody shouts “..flashing knobs!”? 

Selling this to the European cousins who gave us Bach, Einstein, Jung and Marx, to name just four of their top comedians, is one more insult that we throw over our shoulders as we wander aimlessly through the Brexit door.

If this shameful stereo typecasting doesn’t start The Third One off, I don’t know what will.

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Losing it

 Heather Mills poured a jug of water over the head of Sir Paul McCartney’s lawyer Fiona Shackleton at the end of their divorce case, she has admitted.

Ms Mills told the BBC she approached Ms Shackleton and said: “I’m not a loser.”  She then “poured the whole jug of water on her head”, she said.

In similar copy-cat incidents up and down the country various lawyers and court officials were soaked, sprayed and sodden with milk, jam, oil and mud as angry losers took petty revenge with no fear of reprisal. 

“I think Ms Mills has set a legal precedent there,” said Magistrate Stoat from Blackburn Court House, drying a pint of cream from his hair following a speeding prosecution against Milkman Ben Williams.

“I’m anxious about the outcome of my next case; the Crown versus Althorp’s Sewage Disposal.  I won’t leave the MG in the car-park with the soft-top down that day.”

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