Around the block

Britain‘s laziest man takes his dog for a walk while sitting in his car.  Kevin Pyle gets his son to drive him round the block while he leads four-year-old pet bullmastiff Bruce alongside. 

 

Our reporter offered to interview Mr Pyle but he inferred by the use of two fingers that it was too much of an effort.  His son, Karl, answered on his behalf.

 

“Yeah, dad used to take the dog for a walk with the dog actually sitting in the car with him,” said Karl.

“And what happened then?”

“Well the dog kept farting so dad put him out the door window and dragged him by his lead and at first that worked fine.”

 

“But then…?”

“Then one of the neighbours complained about the fur and that on the pavement so dad had to drop his speed from 30 to 5mph. 

But Dad was getting bored with going slow so he got me to drive so he could relax, read the paper, and knock back a few cans.”

 

“So if you’re driving, why does your dad bother to come with you?”

“He’s only fourteen!  I’m not bloody irresponsible you know!” shouted Mr Pyle from the sofa.

 

“Hey, if you think the dog walking’s lazy, you should see how dad tops up the goldfish bowl!” said Karl proudly.

 

 Goldfish 

 

 

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No answer

A letter written by Oliver Cromwell in 1642 has been unearthed in a council office.

 

An Essex council spokesman said: “In the letter, dated March 1642, Cromwell recommends a Captain Dodsworth for promotion.  Unfortunately, the letter was put in our ‘Pending’ tray by a 17th Century Council administrator and one of his successors has only just got to it.”

 

Other letters the council have just got around to opening include a note from Farriner’s Bakers in Pudding Lane, London dated 4 September 1666 stating, “I think I’ve left the oven on, please check,” and a 1939 letter from a Mister Adolph Hitler saying “Sorry about the bad feeling, let’s stop now before things get out of hand.”

QuilPen

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Money for old rope

A black, iron machine about the size of a single bed stands in the middle of the Dragons Den.  The latest contender climbs the stairs and turns to the four Dragons.

“Hello, I’m Joe Punter and I’m here to get funding for my new business machine.”

 

The Dragons look disinterested.  Duncan yawns without covering his mouth.  Peter is scratching a stain from his trouser front.  Theo, curled like a snake in his chair, snores softly.  Deborah is examining her nails but she looks up briefly to say;

“Go on then Joe; show us how the bloody thing works.”

 

“It’s easy.  You put a big piece of rope in this end, turn this handle and money comes out the other end.”

A shower of £50 notes falls onto the floor of the den.

 

The Dragons go into freeze frame, like cats spotting a mouse.

 

“My name’s Duncan Bannatyne, and I’m going to tell you where I’m coming from,” says Duncan Bannatyne.  “Your machine is crap, your business plan is weak and I don’t like your tie.  But I’ve been around the block a few times, I’ve had my share of ups and downs and I recognise a gullible punter when I see one.”

He pauses for dramatic effect.

“So I’m going to offer you twenty five pounds for twenty five percent of your business and I think the other Dragons will come in on the same basis.”

 

The other Dragons nod eagerly.

 

 “I should just warn you about one thing,” says Joe.

“Go on,” says Duncan, warily.

“The process is illegal and will put a lot of families on the bread line.  Most of your employees will be made redundant.  You’ll just have to keep one person to operate the machine.”

 

“Thank God for that,” says Duncan “For a horrible moment I thought I was going to have to turn that handle myself!”  

Rope

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A day in the life

A man who was taken to hospital after being hit by a train had been knocked down by a car just a few minutes earlier.  Lewis, from Glasgow, Scotland, was hit by the train whilst walking his bicycle across a railroad bridge.  The driver of the train was distracted by a speeding fire engine and so failed to see him.

 

“I was walking my bicycle because I’d just been knocked off it by the explosion caused by my house being struck by lighting,” said accident prone Lewis.

 

“The car that hit me earlier was being driven by my doctor who was coming to my house to tell me that some recent medical tests had discovered a tumor in my chest.  His car hit me because I ran into the road to rescue my cat from under a speeding fire engine.

 

Ironically, the blow from the train seems to have dislodged the tumor in my chest and I’m now fully recovered.  Apart from the broken legs, of course.  And the hip.”

 

Later in the day Firemen reported that the cat was dead but they had managed to rescue his wife from the ruined house.

“Bloody Hell!  That’s bad luck!” said Lewis.

Strike

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Tips

Hooray!  Cosmopolitan Magazine has printed a list of secret sex tips guaranteed to drive guys wild.  It’s pretty hot stuff so prepare to be shocked, gentle reader.

 “Once my office ‘phone rang and when I answered I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself,” says Jakob (28).
Send her out to work, Jakob, she’s clearly a time waster.

 “Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you can have without touching each other.” Jean Claude (25)
Although it’s obvious that Jean Claude has a problem it’s nothing on the next guy:

 “…my ex would clench her legs together and force me to pry them apart if I wanted some relief.” Frank (31).
No Frank that’s not relief, that’s rape.  That’s why she’s your ex, isn’t it Frank?  Isn’t it?

 “Wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions, like my treasure trail.” Louis (24).
No, I don’t know where that particular trail starts or ends.  And I’m happy about that.

 Interestingly, Saga magazine has printed a list that is remarkably similar:

 “Once my office ‘phone rang and when I answered I heard my wife at home moaning about how she had to touch herself these days.  Also could I get a fresh cucumber for tea on my way home?”  Alan (63).

 “Doing yoga is the quickest way to release trapped wind without touching each other.” Dave (69).

 “Wear rubber gloves or a woolly scarf and rub them against sensitive regions, like your eyeballs, you cow.”  Bruce (58) (Divorcee).

 The Open Wound will be publishing more tips from Cosmo, just as soon as we can work out what they actually mean.

rubber gloves

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Mindless

A ‘mind reading’ airport security scanner that screens people, rather than their bags, is being tested.   The Malintent system searches the body for non-verbal cues that predict whether people intend to hurt fellow passengers.

 

Unfortunately, a prototype at London airport exploded when Simon Cowell walked into view of the passengers testing it.

 

“There’s a very fine line between love and hate,” said a spokesman, “I expect the Mind Machine couldn’t handle the output of love our guinea-pigs were sending to Simon.”

 

“I don’t mind what you morons are talking about and I don’t mind what you think,” laughed Simon on the way to his bank.

 

Machine

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