Canned meat

Cattle rustlers in South Africa’s eastern KwaZulu-Natal province have been trying to outwit police by transporting the animals in small cars.

Police chased one overloaded Fiat Uno into the night, after receiving a tip-off at around 0300. The driver abandoned the car after he realised he was being followed and ran off into the bushes.

All the seats except the driver’s had been taken out and two cows and two goats loaded in their place.  The authorities say that in another instance the rustlers managed to cram two cows and seven goats into a Toyota Tazz before being pulled over.

A spokesman from Toyota said, “The recommended load for the Tazz is one adult, two cows and four goats. In factory tests we found that the addition of further goats tended to put too much pressure on the in-car environmental systems.”

“He’s correct,” said a cow, “those goats stink and the air conditioning was struggling to cope. Furthermore, without seats we had nowhere to hang our in-car DVD players.”

“Once the rozzers were on our tail it was a bit like ‘The Dukes of Hazard’,” said a bruised goat, “with no seats there were obviously no seatbelts so we would have been bouncing off the walls if we weren’t wedged in so tight. “

Police said they hoped these animals would be given a trauma debriefing – but did not elaborate on what that would entail.“Don’t think two nights at Champneys Health Farm is going to stop me calling my lawyer!” said the goat.

                                                                                              

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Dog shoots Man

A man out hunting in Iowa was shot in the leg after a hunting dog stepped on his gun, authorities said. The accident happened after James Harris, 37, put his gun on the ground to retrieve a fallen pheasant.
One of a pack of hunting dogs following behind stepped on the trigger, and up to 120 birdshot pellets hit Mr Harris in the left calf at short range.

“If I knew which one of them did it I would make him pay but the crafty hound melted into the crowd before I could spot him,” said Mr Harris. 

Alan Foster, a spokesman for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, told the AFP news agency it was not uncommon for hunters to be shot by their dogs.
“I hear about it a couple times a year,” somewhere in the country, he said. “The dogs always claim it’s accidental but it’s suspicious that it always seems to happen when the owner’s back is turned.”

“It was a genuine accident that he was hit in the leg, I was aiming for his arse!” laughed a one-eared, black and white dog, who did not wish to be identified.

“I don’t know what hop-a-long Harris is moaning about,” said a passing pheasant, “I took a whole wing full last summer and you don’t hear me complaining.  If you can’t take it – don’t dish it out!”

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Best thing in the world

 In an interview with Company magazine, Kelly Brook gives her top tips for keeping the passion alive – fighting and fantastic lighting.

“Fight a lot. Even if you do agree, pretend you don’t,” she said.

I don’t agree, or maybe I do agree – I’m confused already.

“I’m a brat for the sake of causing trouble – but tongue-in-cheek and with a twinkle in my eye.”

Yes, a troublemaker, that would certainly keep me keen and sexually charged.  I don’t have enough trouble in my life already, I need my loved one to cause more.  If they don’t have a tongue in their cheek, I can shove one in for them, or perhaps a sedative.

Asked for her hot tip on maintaining a good sex life, she replied: “Fantastic lighting! When you redecorate, make sure everything’s on dimmers. Either that or candlelight.”  She attributed her curvy figure to “having tons of sex so you look fit and healthy – it’s the best thing in the world”.

There’s uppers, downers and dimmers – that explains a lot about the interviews in Company magazine.  You’re on dimmers, aren’t you Kelly? 

Still, she may have a point.  No, really.
Next time I ‘redecorate’, I’ll take out the light bulbs and dot a few candles around the place.  Then I can start a fight with the wife, lure her into the gloom and stick a twinkle in her eye.  Or perhaps a stick. 

At least I might look fit and healthy in the dark.

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Hidden agendas

Harry Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that one of her characters, Hogwarts school headmaster Albus Dumbledore, is gay.

A spokesman for gay rights group Stonewall said: “It’s great that JK has said this.  It shows that there’s no limit to what gay and lesbian people can do, even being a wizard headmaster.”

No dude, it’s a story.  Nobody can actually be a wizard headmaster, not even a gay or lesbian person.

And what’s the surprise about him being gay?  JK gave us a clue in his name which is an anagram of ‘old arse, lubed bum’.  I can also reveal that we should keep an eye on Cornelius Agrippa (pair arse coupling).

Many other stories have hidden messages, it has recently been discovered that the music to ‘Eastenders’ transmits different subconscious instructions to each sex.  Men hear ‘Go to the pub’, go quickly now, before it’s too late,’ and women hear ‘He is useless and weak.  Let him go but punish him later.’

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What’s that Advert all about?

Have you seen that advert for the Vauxhall Corsa? 
The one where the sexy young woman puts her long boots on, like she’s getting ready to leave after having stayed the night. Then she takes the car keys from the side table and drives off in her lover’s Corsa.  The boyfriend emerges from the bathroom with his towel wrapped around him, and to your surprise (and horror) you realise he’s an eight inch high, pop-art, glove puppet! Then he and his four glove-puppet mates go chasing through the streets to get the Corsa back.  Eventually they stop it when the ‘boy-friend’ puppet stands in the road in front of the car and his towel falls down to reveal…..

To reveal what exactly? 
And why are the advertisers suggesting that such a gorgeous girl, or any girl, would gain their sexual satisfaction with a child’s soft toy?  And why do they think this will make anybody buy the car?
‘Ah! But you’re writing about the Corsa now so you obviously remembered the advert!’ I can hear you saying.  No, I didn’t remember, I had to look it up and no, I won’t be buying anything that crappy.

These marketing guys are having a competition to see who can get their clients to agree to the most stupid, and useless advert.  The loser gets to buy the round of lagers, probably that one with the blue logo that you don’t want to get warm. I can’t remember what it’s called but you know the one.. yeah you do!

                                                                 

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The Degree Confluence Project

The goal of the project is to visit each of the latitude and longitude integer intersections in the world, and to take pictures at each location. The pictures and stories about the visits are posted at www.confluence.org.
The project is an organized sampling of the world. There is a confluence within 49 miles (79 km) of you if you’re on the surface of Earth. The confluences in the oceans and some near the poles are discounted, but there are still 10,998 to be found.

What are they talking about?
You know those lines that go up and down, and left to right on maps and globes? Well, people are going out and finding the points where they cross and taking photos which they post at the website. Also, the stories of how they got them.
There’s a bit of a rush on to be the first to post each confluence. Honest.

Some of the stories are pretty gripping.  Here is a small part of a long account written by American, Joseph Kerski of how he got on with 52°N 0°:

‘….for this confluence, I chose to take the 7:51am train from Kings Cross Station in London to Royston, a village to the north of the confluence, and hike in from there.

The faces of the inhabitants of the village of Royston betrayed no awareness of the fact that their village lay on the Prime Meridian, yet I was tingling with excitement as I walked silently among them. After a 25-minute walk through the City Centre from the train station, I struck out toward the southeast on Barkway Road. The road was surprisingly well travelled for a country road, and I had to be alert to jump up on the “verge” whenever a car appeared. Nevertheless, it was an exceedingly pleasant hike, up a substantial slope to get out of the village, and again up again after passing by a large, well-kept horse ranch.’

‘Horse ranch’?

‘E don’t be from around ‘ere do ‘e?

Now I’ve been to Royston, and those people are well aware that they live on a Prime Meridian, they just don’t go on about it.  If strangers come sniffing around asking awkward questions they are likely to turn violent, which explains why Mr Kerski was forced to jump out of the way of cars so often.

It’s like that film, ‘The Wicker Man’, except there’s no Britt Ekland.  Or Wicker Man, actually.

So, if you want to be part of the project I suggest you visit the website, choose an unvisited confluence and get out there with your camera.  I notice that only 1 of 13 confluences in Afghanistan has been visited, for some reason, so that might be an easy start for you.  You could even borrow some of Mr Kerski’s text if you substitute ‘car’ with ‘tank’ and ‘horse-ranch’ with ‘opium farm’.

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