Crushed

A teenager who thought movement in her blouse was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra.

She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear.

“I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat.”
 

In a similar incident in my workplace today, I noticed a strange movement inside the front of my trousers that occurred every time the new secretary from Sales walked by my desk.  My first thought was that my mobile ‘phone was responding to some type of ‘blue-tooth’ device the long legged twenty-two year old must have secreted about her person.  Then I remembered that I didn’t own a mobile phone.

I decided to investigate the strange movements in my underwear.  Imagine my surprise when I opened the front of my trousers and scooped out a cuddly little mouse.  Quickly I grabbed the heavy-duty stapler from the desk and slammed it down onto the tiny creature before it could escape.

Later, laying in my hospital bed, I cursed my stupidity.

I had forgotten that most mice have two eyes and none of them wear small, red, German army helmets.

BAT

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Balloons

Kent Couch, of Oregon USA, rigged 150 giant balloons to a garden chair and took off, drifting 380km (235 miles) on his flying machine.
After nine hours in the air, the g­arage owner used a BB gun to pop enough balloons to land safely in a tiny town across the state border.

In a similar incident, Grandmother Wynne D’Sisted of Calais, France found herself floating across the English Channel on a garden sun lounger.

“My grandson, ee iz responsible, I fall asleep on ze garden chair, ee attaches the balloons and then I wake up to find I am a UFO.  At my age, it is too hideous an ordeal.  I will kill the petite merde!”

RAF fighters were scrambled when Folkestone residents reported the sight of a large, grey, irregular shaped object passing overhead, accompanied by the sound of air escaping under pressure through a small hole.
“I cannot ‘elp it,” said Madam D’Sisted, “Whenever I am nervous I have the attack of ze gas!”

  

Don’t worry, gentle reader, the old French woman was returned to Calais the same day using a trebuchet at Dover Castle.  She will not be enjoying fine English cuisine and hospitality at the tax payers expense.

Balloons

 

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A describing word

An episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show broke broadcasting rules after a guest swore on the programme, Ofcom has ruled.  
During one episode of the ITV1 show, a Scottish man used the strongest anglo-saxon swear word but this was not edited out.

“As the word was used to describe Jeremy Kyle we thought it was fair and accurate comment,” said a spokesman for the show.  
“Most of the crew call him that anyway, we’re thinking of putting it on his dressing room door.”

 

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Work 850

All day, every day, for the next four months an athlete will run the 86 metres of Tate Britain’s central Duveens Galleries and 30 seconds later, another runner will follow, and after 30 seconds there will be another and so on. The piece, called Work No. 850, was conceived by artist, Martin Creed who said:
“If you think about death as being completely still and movement as a sign of life, then the fastest movement possible is the biggest sign of life. So then running fast is like the exact opposite of death: it’s an example of aliveness.”

The Open Wound asked Tate Britain if we could speak to a normal person.

“There is something inherently absurd in this work and it should be viewed as a kind of metaphor for life being the opposite of stillness and death,” said a director.

We asked if we could speak to a really normal person.

“There a funny lot here,” said Anita Verkplays, chief cleaner for the Tate. “One time I got reprimanded for tidying up an unmade bed, and again when I changed that flippin’ light bulb that kept going on and off.
Now we’ve got bloody students running through here all day in their muddy trainers.  I caught one yesterday with the business end of my mop, and this morning I tripped one with my Hoover cable.  But however fast I drop ‘em they replace them.  It’s a bit like the Vietnam War, and I’m playing the part of the Vietcong.”

“Entrance to Tate Britain is free,” said a spokesman, “if you want proper art, like paintings and stuff we’ll have to start charging.”


Sneaker
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Suburban high life

A woman who climbed 20ft up a tree to help a trapped cat had to be rescued by firefighters after being stranded when a branch broke beneath her.

The woman, who did not wish to be named, said, “I will die of embarrassment if people find out it was me, Clare Sheeblows of ‘15 The Poplars’ who was stuck up that tree.”

Roving reporter Tim Flaps rushed to the scene to interview chief fire fighter, Mike Lackson.

“Mike, what steps did you take to rescue Clare?”
“The usual ones that we carry on top of the vehicle, Tim.”

“No, Mike, I mean; what procedure did you follow?”
“My mate Rob knocked her down with a jet of water from the high-power hose and the rest of us caught her in a blanket.”
“And was the cat okay with being treated like that?”
“That was Clare, not the cat.”
“So, how did you get the cat down?”
“Once it saw what happened to Clare it miraculously found its own way.”

“It was very exciting,” said the cat, “especially the bit where Clare bounced out of the blanket and landed in number thirty-three’s holly bush.  I haven’t heard howling like that since Tibbles at number five was neutered.

Fire engine

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Invisible man

‘This summer, the floral trend isn’t just for women. You guys can get into the flower power too and incorporate this look in your wardrobes. Whip out a Hawaiian shirt and team it with a pair of casual shorts to get into the summer mood.’
 msn Life & Style.

Normally I wouldn’t take fashion advice from my computer software provider, anymore than I’d ask the woman behind the till at Burtons Tailors how to configure my Xbox 360.  However, on this occasion, the flowery clothing tip from msn was too good to resist and I quickly whipped out the Hawaiian shirt and shorts that had been neglected at the bottom of my wardrobe since that unfortunate incident with the hornets in 1993.

Later that day, when the wife returned from the shops she came to find me in the garden.  Imagine my delight when I found that she walked right past without speaking or acknowledging me in any way!

It appeared that as long as I stood still in front of the flowerbeds I was completely camouflaged!  I decided to continue the joke, stand still and see how long it would take her to find me.
The wife went back into the house and I remained motionless, anxious to see how long I could fool her for.

Around four hours later, as it was getting dark, my daughter came into the garden and walked straight up to me.

“Dad, mum says that you’ve missed your dinner and when you’ve finished sodding about, can you come in and do the washing up.
Oh – and she said that those shorts are far too small for you, tuck yourself in or there might be an accident next time she’s harvesting the mini-plum tomatoes.”

Mini plum tomatoes?  Bitch!

Toms

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