In “cybersquatting”, likely web addresses are bought cheaply in the hope of one day selling to the businesses involved. Domain names for the take over of Lehmann Brothers by Barclays are an example with already taken.


In case Tescos take over Specsavers I have purchased  Unfortunately, the merger of High street concerns Dicksons and Poundstretchers has been foreseen as is already reserved.


Soccer clubs Arsenal and Hull City may merge one day, but I’m tired now, and the nurses have just arrived to take me back to The Home, so you can finish that one yourself.


Cyber words              

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International Pirate Day

On International ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ this year (September 19th), not only can you talk like a pirate but you can dress, act and live like a pirate too in the first ever London Pirate Festival.


Similar events are being held all around the world, except in the Turks and Caicos Islands as the residents there actually are Pirates.  Instead, they have a ‘Talk Like Keira Knightley Day’.


Men, women and children of all ages dash around the streets in diaphanous, pink, 18th Century dresses, fluttering fans and brandishing flintlock pistols.

“Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal,” gasps a five year old girl in breathy English, clutching at her heaving bosom.


A twenty stone, forty-year-old man called Jake breathes huskily,

“You like pain?  Try wearing a corset!” 


“I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate!” replies his seventy-year old father as he blushes coyly behind his fan.


By the end of the event, the entire population is dizzy from lack of oxygen caused by too many ‘romantic breathy’ Knightley quotes. 

They all go to a beach bar and get smashed on Rum, which they drink from half coconuts.  They have little skull and cross bone flags on cocktail sticks with which they impale grilled garlic prawns from the barbecue.  As the sun sinks into the sea, they dance on the warm sand and wonder how the first ever Pirate Festival in London turned out.


Meanwhile, on London’s Southbank the wind and rain lash at a group of miserable sodden people dressed in pirate outfits.

“First ever and Last bloody Pirate Festival,” mutters a sulky banker from Chelsea, as he hurls his cardboard cutlass into the Thames.

Island beach

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Why do some people play annoying, loud music out of their cars?


The Open Wound sent a reporter to find out.


“Excuse me young man, I wanted to ask you why you play loud, bass music from your car as you drive through the town centre?”

 “Iss coz the punters they love it, dude.  Ain’t it.”


“You think people like it?”

“Yeah.  The peoples on the street.  They findz us musik cool!”


“And can you tell me how you know that?”

“Everybody tellz me so.  I knows all the folkz around this ghetto.  I iz a local boy.  What uvva questions you got?  In it.”


“I have three more questions;
Why are you speaking Jamaican when you were born in Middlesex?

Why are you wearing pyjamas and a baseball cap whilst driving your car?

And why, oh why would you think that anybody other than a brain dead moron would want to hear that awful bloody noise that you blast out of your Batmobile?”


“Oooh…you iz soooo old, man!  You are uncool!  And furthermore, you iz going to get cut by my ringz when I gets out uv this vehicle and wails on your face!”


“So, why aren’t you getting out of your vehicle?”

“I appear to have got my speaker cables tangled up with the tie cord of my pyjamas, I mean, cutting edge street wear.  I think I’m losing the circulation to my groin.  Can you help me out, man?”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you.  I’ve got to go now before my ears start bleeding.”


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Skl Rpt

Many parents would like school reports on their children’s performance texted or e-mailed, a survey says.  68% of parents said they wanted schools to use such technologies to keep them up to date more frequently.  32% said they cba and stfu.


Here is my son’s latest report :


Dere Dr Pete

Ur kd is sht @ Inglsh. Lol.

Maffs cld b imprvd.

At 10 dans. Paw.


C u l8r

Mstr Henderson



I don’t know what they’re teaching those kids at that bloody school; everybody knows it should be ‘a 10 dunce’!



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Pretty Vacant

Earlier today boffins attempted to attain everlasting fame and Nobel Prizes by starting up the Large Hagridden Colander.  The Colander is approximately 27 kilometres across, which means you can strain a lot of peas but it’s a struggle to fit it in your kitchen cupboard.  Its primary purpose however, is to find Higgs Bison.


In fact, all they had to do was ask me, or anybody who’s been to Whipsnade Zoo.  Higgs Bison are not hard to find, walk past the Penguins and follow the foul smell until you get to the restaurant.  You can see a whole herd of them from there.


Meanwhile, back inside the Colander there’s a terrific explosion and a flash of blinding light.  The doors to the laboratory crash open and the boffins stagger out into the daylight. 


“What happened?  What did you see?” the newspapermen clamour.

“I saw only bright light but I heard the voice of The King,” whispers the first scientist.

“You heard the Word of God!?”


“No, I heard Elvis singing ‘Love Me Tender’,” replies the scientist.


His colleague wipes tears from his cheeks; “It was wonderful, I heard Bach, ‘The Third Brandenburg Concerto’,” he cries.


“The first thirty seconds of ‘Pretty Vacant’ by the Sex Pistols,” says a third.



“Van Halen.”


And so it goes on.  All who were present for the experiment have heard a different piece of music, the piece that ties them to the unheard music of the unseen substance of the Universe.


We asked Professor Stephen Hawkins what it all means.

“It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing, doo-wop da doo-wop da do!” he explained. “Doo wop da doo wop da do…please help me..da doo wop…my voice box seems to be…da woo da wop ….”



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Rock ‘n’ roll memorabilia has proved to be a booming business in recent years, according to the BBC’s business correspondent Martin Shankleman.


For example; the scratched and charred Fender Stratocaster guitar, set alight by Jimi Hendrix in March 1967 is to go under the hammer at auction. 


‘Go under the hammer’?  Jeez hasn’t that instrument suffered enough?

Surely, it’s time the poor thing was cremated properly and sent to join Jimi (wherever he ended up).  They could make themselves useful and burn everything ever played or written by Chris de Burgh while they’re at it.


In a similar move, I am auctioning the 500ml can of McEwan’s Ale that was hurled into the audience at a Boomtown Rats concert in Hemel Hempstead in 1978.  Still visible in the side of the can is the dent caused by my forehead.

Originally costing around £1 the price expected at auction could be as high as £1.75.


Sotheby’s expert Delvina Attick examined the object.

“It appears to be an old tin of beer.  Do you want me to open it for you, you poor, smelly, alcoholic, old man?” she asked, sympathetically.

Shit!  I am rock ‘n’ roll memorabilia!



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