The Open Wound

An Outlet

The Open Wound header image 1

Foul

September 6th, 2010 · Hearsay and Gossip, News Around

Ronaldo has been voted Football Player of the Year for the second time.

It’s probably because of those dazzling stepovers that confuse and torment opponents who just want to get on with the match.  I noticed that he tried a few of them during the game against Barcelona shortly before he missed that penalty.  Still, what’s impressive about kicking a dead ball into a goal from twelve yards?  I’m sure the fans are more interested in the stepovers.

 

If only they gave awards for good old-fashioned qualities like humility and honesty.  Surely the people that worship our great footballers would love them more if they occasionally said, “No, it’s okay Ref’, he didn’t foul me – I just fell over in a bit of mud.”

And how about ; “Yeah, the ball did hit his hand but my team all think it was an accident so we won’t be asking for a penalty.”

 

“We agree £44 is a bit steep for an authentic Man’ United football shirt so we’re going to bring down the price of the adults’ ones and give the kids’ version away for free.”

No, now I’m just being ridiculous.

→ No CommentsTags: ··

Hidey Hole

September 5th, 2010 · Hearsay and Gossip, Unlikely Reviews

Television program ‘A Place in the Sun’ has bright young English girl, Amanda Lamb, showing a middle-aged man around Fuerteventura.  No, it’s not an expose about an overseas escort service, it’s the latest chance to see a punter being dragged around some quickly thrown up, overpriced, Spanish holiday homes before politely declining the opportunity to renovate an abandoned piggery.

They are looking for a house with at least two bedrooms and are puzzled when offered a one bedroom apartment, until Amanda reveals that the builders have constructed a ‘hidden’ second bedroom for all the properties in the complex to avoid tricky local building regulations.  The door is bricked up but you can knock it through, just as most of the existing residents have done.

 

It’s a clever solution to get around the law, a bit like when you take something from a shop without paying for it because you forgot your purse, or when you drive at 120 mph because you’re late for an important business meeting.  It’s like the law doesn’t matter in those circumstances because its for other people, you know – criminals.

 Fascinated by this idea I decided to check out my own house for hidden rooms.  By pacing along the outside of the walls of the building, I calculated the floor area that should be available inside and imagine my surprise when these calculations did indeed expose the existence of a secret room!

 After that it was only a matter of time until I found the entrance and made my way into the gloomy interior – only to discover that my dear wife was already there!

 

“What are you doing in here?’  I exclaimed, ‘What is this secret room?”
She explained that the room is called ‘the kitchen’ and she has known about it for years!  It turns out my food and drink is prepared there and various machines help my wife to cook and clean.  There’s even one called a ‘vacuum cleaner’ which has a nozzle for cleaning carpets.  I don’t know how to use it but my wife says that pretty soon now she’s going to tell me where to stick it.
 Building 

 

→ No CommentsTags: ··

Mouthful

September 5th, 2010 · News Around

The former president of Turkmenistan changed the names of various months and days in the calendar to be the same as those of his mother, his title and various historical figures.  Due to popular demand, the new president, President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, is reverting the Turkmen calendar to its original form.

 

At first, it was thought that the new president would follow suit and name a day of the week after himself but he foresaw problems.

 

“I’ll see you next Monday”  would become “I’ll see you next President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov Day”, by which time a young person listening might become bored and leave, and an old person speaking might expire from lack of oxygen.

 

Before he became President, KB (as I like to call him) was a qualified dentist.  He could usually whip a tooth out whilst the patients were still saying ‘good morning Mister Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov’.

He had to give up and go into politics after he was sued for causing a patient RSI when they paid him by cheque.

 

Calendar

→ No CommentsTags: ··

Our saviours

September 4th, 2010 · Hearsay and Gossip, The Slug and Philosopher

“So Fruitella 521, what have you discovered on your tour of Planet Earth?”

“The earthlings are a confused bunch, Spangle 10, they live short and fearful lives and have little understanding of the Universe around them.”

 

“How do so many live on one small planet, Fruitella 521?”

“Ten percent live very well and grow fat on ninety-percent of the wealth, the rest do what they can.  Many of them die young from hunger and disease.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Yes, those ten percent waste valuable resources on competing for material wealth, frippery and status.  The planet itself is under threat but because of their underlying, selfishness and their belief conflicts nobody cares to do much about it.”

 

“So I should press the Destruct button then?”

He stretches a slimy green finger towards a red button on the spaceships control console.

 

“There is one thing they share with us, Spangle 10.”

“Yes?”  The green finger hesitates.

“Many of them love and care for a small carnivorous species of crepuscular mammal, valued for its companionship and its ability to hunt vermin.  It has been associated with humans for at least 9,500 years.  It is the animal we call Blackjack 28.”

 

“Blackjack 28!  Why, I have my own Blackjack 28 on this very spacecraft!  No species that has a relationship with such a noble creature can be all bad.  We will spare the earthlings now but check again in fifty years.  Let’s go, if we hurry we’ll get back to Planet Martins in time for the snooker on TV.”

 

 

                                       A Blackjack 28 licking its leg.             

Blackjack 28

 

 

 

 

 

  

→ No CommentsTags: ··

Manure

September 4th, 2010 · News Around, Unlikely Reviews

 

A foul smell detected in parts of England and Wales is being blamed on easterly winds bringing farming or industrial smells across the Channel.

Labelled “Euro-whiff” by the Met Office, the source of the smell – alternately described as sulphur and manure – is under investigation.

 

But these pages can exclusively reveal that the hideous stink is due to quavery voiced crooner Chris De Burgh releasing yet another compilation album.  

His previous affronts include:

‘Notes from Planet Earth (the Ultimate Collection), ‘Best Moves’, ‘High on Emotion’, ‘Star Boulevard’, ‘Spark to a Flame’, ‘The Love Songs’, ‘The Ultimate Collection’, ‘Live from Dublin’, ‘Live in South Africa’.  

There may be more, we lost the will to research.

The ‘foul smell’ has been caused by our mate Chris dropping his latest compilation, namely : “Now and Then”, which features classic tracks from his entire career.

 

Health experts have confirmed that short term exposure should not be a problem as long as victims leave the contaminated area as soon as possible.  Over a longer period, especially if in a confined space, such as a 1980’s Disco, punters may become drowsy and nauseous.  Liberal doses of ‘Kaiser Chiefs’ and ‘AC/DC’ should be given to sufferers found mumbling the lyrics to ‘Lady in Red’.  A firm slap around the face should also help.

 

 

→ No CommentsTags: ···

Is anybody there?

September 3rd, 2010 · Hearsay and Gossip, News Around

Madam Ovary is giving a psychic reading to a middle aged, grey man who is clutching a brief case to his chest and balancing a bowler hat on his lap.

“The mist is clearing from my mind, my spirit medium is here, in this room with us.”

“I don’t see him.”

 

“Obviously not, he’s dead and I’m a medium.”

“You look more like an ‘extra-large’ to me.”

“Please spare me the music hall jokes, this is a difficult business, and I must concentrate, my spirit guide tells me that I am in danger!”

 

“Oh why, oh why am I threatened, oh spirit guide?” chants Madam Ovary.  She closes her eyes for a moment and then;   “The spirits tell me that somebody close to me plots my downfall and doubts my power.”

“That would be me.”

“You?”

 

“I’m a Trading Standards Officer here to enforce the new Consumer Protection Regulations.  If you charge people for your services you must be able to prove they are genuine and you are not attempting to gain money through deception.”

“Oh crap!”

“It is my opinion that you have no more chance of contacting the dead than I have of captaining England to the next World Cup!  Unless you can change that opinion I will be obliged to stick you with a rather large fine!”

 

“What if I was to make an insightful reading about you?” 

“It would have to be convincing.”
Madam Ovary goes into a trance and begins her reading.

 

“You have a job in local government which you hate.  Your boss annoys you and you know you could do his job better.  You lust after a girl in ‘accounts’ who is young enough to be your daughter.  When you get home the mundane, banal pap on the television drives you mad.  Your wife thinks you are a weak minded, anally retentive, boring failure and your children show you no respect.  How am I doing?” 

The officer wipes a tear from his eye.
“That’s spot on Madam Ovary, I don’t know how you do it.  Just don’t tell anybody ok?”
“Yes, ok love.”  She takes ten pounds from his trembling fingers and shows him to the door.

                    

→ No CommentsTags: ··