True Grit

The UK is gripped by another, immense, 4 inch deep, deluge of snow and a new urban myth has emerged; the ‘Phantom Gritter’.

As the local councils run out of road salt and argue amongst themselves about whose fault it is, the government purloin supplies of the precious minerals that were destined for the Germans and the general public panic and stay at home to watch day time TV.

God Help Us All.

But during the night, as the populace huddle beneath their blankets in front of their gas fires and portable convector radiators, the low growl of a large motor vehicle and a flashing emergency light tempts them to peer from behind their John Lewis curtains.

“What is it daddy?” ask nervous children, cowering behind their mothers skirts.

“That my child is what we call a ‘Gritter’,” says dad. “In the old days the Gritter lorries would spread rock salt and sand onto the roads to stop them becoming icy and dangerous.”

“Who drives the ‘Gritter’, daddy?”

“Nobody knows that, my child. The shadowy figure in the cab of the Gritter is an unsung hero. Even though there is no longer any Grit he still drives all around the town every evening.”

“Why does he drive a Gritter with no Grit daddy?”

“To give the residents hope. And because of the special Overtime Rate that will be applied to his extra hours.”

“Will you have enough hope to try and get in to work tomorrow, daddy?”

“Isn’t it time you were in bed, son?”

More than 4 inches

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Cryptic Code

Manchester United footballer, Nani, has been criticised for playing ‘keepy-uppie’ during the match with Arsenal.  The fact that he had scored two goals and helped create two more was torment enough for the Arsenal players and this piece of exhibition play was just rubbing salt in the wound.

Doing ‘keepie-uppies’ during a match is against the Unwritten Code of the professional footballer.  The Code is unwritten to spare the embarrassment of those who cannot read.

Things that the Code does allow include: attempting to break the opposition’s legs, spitting, sleeping around with wannabe celebrities, taking recreational drugs and fighting in night clubs.  

‘Keepie-uppies’ and ‘exhibitionist tricks’ that involve skill offend those who have to watch.  Many of us feel offended watching Ronaldo doing those bloody stepovers all the time.

Don’t worry though, gentle reader, justice was handed out by the other players and Nani got abused and kicked for his efforts, so our children could see that their role models are of strong moral character. 

I seem to remember that he only managed four anyway, and I did six once, although one of them was off the cat’s head. 

Alright then, it might have been five, but the Code allows for lies.

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Not waving but driving

A car that can be driven underwater is set to be unveiled next month.
“For three decades I have tried to imagine how it might be possible to build a car that can fly under water,” said the head of Rinspeed. “Now we have made this dream come true.”

“Why would anybody need a car that travels under water?”

“It is undoubtedly not an easy task to make a car watertight and pressure resistant enough to be maneuverable under water,” said Rinderknecht. “The real challenge however was to create a submersible car that moves like a fish in water.”

“But why would anybody want that?”

Aesthetic appeal aside, the open-top design of the car is actually a safety feature that permits passengers to get out quickly during an emergency

 “It’s not even got a roof, then? So the passengers get wet and have to breathe through aqualungs?”

Yes.

“So why would anybody want that, then?”

The car can descend up to 10 metres.

“Why. Why, why why?”

You’re not getting into the spirit of this.

“How much is it?”

Sorry, I have to go now.  If I can just get this bloody thing to start .. I think I’ve flooded the engine.

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High speed fail

The routes of high-speed rail links to cities in the north of England have now been announced.

The 32 billion pound project will create 100,000 jobs, partly because of the thousands of additional bailiffs that will be needed to evict those that are living on the route. 

On the positive side was news that the Chancellor has managed to drastically cut the building costs with one bold move.

”We’re only building one set of tracks.  Those going north,” he said smugly, “thus avoiding 50% of the infrastructure expenses.” 

That won’t help northerners who want to travel south?
”Yes, it’s what us folk in the political biz call a win-win situation.”

But your own constituency, Tatton, is in the north.
”Is it?”

Yes, and what if you want to visit it?
”If that ever happens I will be forced to take the plane.”

First Class?
”Thank you, I thought so too.”

track

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Doing inuendo

Here at the Open Wound we’re not afraid of euphemism, double-entendre and innuendo. 
You may occasionally spot us slipping one in.

Like that.

But making the News this week is Dr Terence Kealey a lecturer from the University of Buckingham, who has no time for ambiguity and suggestion; he comes right out and says it how it is: 

“Most male lecturers know that, most years, there will be a girl in class who flashes her admiration and who asks for advice on her essays.

What to do? Enjoy her! She’s a perk.”

 Having distanced himself from every female student he has ever met and ensured a drastic fall in undergraduate applications, he now starts to demolish his marital relationship:

 “The student will flaunt you her curves, which you should admire daily to spice up your sex, nightly, with the wife.”

 Firstly, I don’t believe he is getting anything nightly other than troubled sleep.
Secondly he has now told his wife that he’s busy thinking about young curvy students when he’s getting his old spice at home.

 Bravely, Dr Kealey moves his life to Defcon One by including his university colleagues in his confession:
Dr Kealey recalled the days when sex between student and tutor, in return for academic favours, could go by unchecked.

“Thanks to the accountability imposed by the Quality Assurance and other intrusive bodies, the days are gone when a scholar could trade sex for upgrades.”

 The National Union of Students condemned the comments as insulting and disrespectful to women.

“Our members won’t be handled this way.  It might make it hard for us but we will have to suck it up and swallow the consequences.  We won’t just bend over backwards, roll over and take it.”

 “That’s what She said,” chortled Dr Kealey.

 Ok, so maybe he likes a little bit (of innuendo, we mean)

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Police Don’t Stand So Close To Me

The number of complaints about homophobia within the police has risen by almost a quarter, according to the Gay Police Association (GPA).

The GPA said it was aware of colleagues refusing to serve with gay officers and quoting sections of the Bible at them on parade grounds.

Our reporter hurried to the GPA Headquarters in Dublin.
“You’re the GPA spokesman, tell me why your members are feeling victimized.”

“Uh.. I don’t think they are.”
“They don’t feel that they are being singled out for being gay?”

“No, I think they’re proud that in a cynical world they can go about their business in a carefree and happy manner.”
“Go about their business?”

“Yes, there’s nothing finer than watching thirty strapping young men engaged in an activity they have a mutual love for.  The slap of a hand on a ball. The thrill of slotting one between the posts.”
“Slotting one between the posts?”

“Yes, the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.”
“Me too.”

“Pride in the game is the reason I joined the Gaelic Players Association.”
“Gay Lick Player?”
“Yes, you idiot, Gaelic Football!  What did you think I was talking about, and who do you think I am?”

“I thought you were a homosexual, English policeman.”

Unfortunately, our roving reporter will be out of action for several weeks whilst he recovers from his injuries.

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