In the sight of God

Now we can marry each other just about anywhere, in a castle, in the London Eye, on a beach or in The Falkirk Wheel (the world’s only rotating boat lift).  How it must annoy God to see non-Christian, non-church going, tasteless, over-dressed Mammon worshipers still clogging up his churches in order to make their special day complete. 
On the other hand,  in the good old days, at least he knew where he was expected to be looking.  Now people pop up all over the place spouting “I dos” and “I wills”, it must make him jump.  Perhaps that’s what’s been causing all those earthquakes.
A spokesman for God said, ‘Surely you can’t expect him to be everywhere at once?  Now please get out of my church, I have a bride on horseback and a groom dressed as Aragorn son of Arathorn due in ten minutes!’

Church

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Another day’s birthdays – 15 September

If it’s your birthday today you share it with Oliver Stone and Tommy Lee Jones.  It should be some party – don’t let Oliver get started on his conspiracy theories and if Tommy disappears he’s probably skinning-up in the bathroom.  If he gets weary and starts banging on about Pam you can slap him around a bit (it’s allowed under the Constitution).  Other than that, lay back and relax.  If they break anything they can definitely afford to replace it. 

A hedgehog is recovering after surviving a spin in a 40-degree washing machine cycle. The female creature was nicknamed Lucky by staff who have been caring for her at the Brent Lodge wildlife hospital, near Chichester, in West Sussex. Hospital manager Penny Cooper said the hedgehog wandered into a private home and burrowed into a pile of washing that was then put into the machine.

The hedgehog has lodged a formal complaint against the Hospital, upset about her new nickname.  ‘Lucky, my arse!  Lucky is if your lottery ticket comes up!  Getting a 40-degree, underwater, wall of death ride is bloody unlucky if you ask me!’ said the hedgehog. 

‘I don’t know why she’s being so prickly,’ said a spokeswoman.

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Global exposure

An Australian holiday resort in north Queensland called The White Cockatoo will hold a month-long, nude “anything goes” party in March aimed at combating the global credit crunch.

 

Here at The Open Wound we wondered what they mean by ‘anything goes’, and exactly how a month of hedonism will help the global economy.

 

Tony Fox, the owner of the resort said, “Tough economic times call for stiff measures.  It doesn’t take rocket science to work out what it means.”

 

We asked the Australian Rocket Science Engineers for their opinion.

 

“Here at A.R.S.E. we are asked for our views on many subjects,” said a spokesman.  “Strangely, we don’t get many queries about rocket science; it’s usually to do with nudism or buttocks for some reason.  However, in my expert opinion a month long sex party will cause a sudden rise in inflation followed by a deflated, sticky patch.”

 

We can only hope the plan will work, and if it does, you can guarantee we’ll be seeing a White Cockatoo around here as well.

acockatoo

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Bite Marx

An Arizona jogger has been bitten by a rabid fox.
The animal attacked her foot and then as she grabbed its neck, it bit her arm and would not let go.  The jogger ran a mile to her car where she managed to free herself, wrap the fox in a shirt, and throw it in the boot.

 

“There are two sides to every story,” said the fox.  “If by ‘attacked her foot’ they meant ‘had his neck trodden on’, then I suppose I would have to agree.  However, attempting to strangle and suffocate me in a cheap polyester shirt cannot be described as self-defence!”

 

The fox was later put down by a local vet who said: “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception”.

 

“Well, I’ve had a wonderful time; only this wasn’t it,” retorted the fox as he left in a taxi.

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Stunned Woolas talks Custard

Immigration Minister, Phil Woolas, was hit in the face by a custard pie thrown by a member of a pro-migration group.  A woman stepped on to the stage from the crowd and scored a direct hit from close range against the stunned Labour MP.

 

“The effect was enhanced as the pie was still in its glass dish,” said Mr Woolas.  “I’ve worked with clowns in the Labour party for years and I’ve rarely seen such an accurate placement.  The woman should be congratulated; in the World Custard Pie Championships she would have scored six points for that.

 

However, in the WCP Championships the pies used do not actually contain custard,” continued the Immigration Minister.  “Custard tends to ricochet which makes accurate scoring problematic so instead they are made to a secret recipe.”

 

When asked what any of this had to do with immigration Mr Woolas replied:

 

“Many people say that I am trying to dodge the serious issue of a numerical cap on immigration to the UK, but what I’m actually proposing is that people wishing to live in this country should compete for the few places available in teams of four, armed with ten pies each.”

 

Don’t worry about Mr Woolas, Gentle Reader, he will be okay, apart from the small scar on his temple.  If you look closely, you can see that it is the Pyrex glass trademark symbol.

custard

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Sand which is gone

Police in Jamaica were trying to hunt down a group of thieves, suspected of stealing hundreds of tons of sand from Coral Spring beach on the northern coast of the island.

 

“In the morning the beach was there, but by five o’clock most of it had disappeared,” said Inspector Ignavus.

 

Detectives flown in from the UK quickly explained the mystery, presented the local constabulary with a copy of the Tide Tables, and returned to London where they are currently trying to solve the riddle of why the snow around lampposts turns yellow.

Sand

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