Charmer

Matt Damon has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by US magazine People
The magazine said it chose Matt Damon as the sexiest man of 2007 thanks to “his dedication to his family” and “his irresistible sense of humour.”

If that’s what it takes, I’ve definitely got it.
I’ve got a family. A wife and some kids.
And my sense of humour is great, you only have to ask Maureen the bar maid at my local pub. I’m down there every night making them laugh.
Last night Maureen was saying she was worried she was a bit overweight and I said, “You’re so fat that when you go to the cinema you sit next to everybody!”
She thought that was great. She was still laughing when she accidentally tripped me down the front steps on my way out.

Yeah, next year I’ll write to People magazine and nominate myself for Sexiest Man Alive.
Maureen said I’d be lucky to meet one out of three of those descriptions if I didn’t watch myself.
Fat cow.

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Counted out

The producers of TV’s ‘Countdown’ have been criticised for the ‘nasty’ way in which they have released long serving Carol Vorderman.

“This was dealt with in such an awful way,” a friend told BBC Radio 5 Live. “How below the belt.”
Vorderman, who is paid up to £1m for 225 episodes a year, was offered less than £100,000, according to her agent.

“Now Carol, please choose your nine letters.”
“I’ll have three vowels and six consonants, please.”

“Ok, you have ‘a’,’e’,’u’, two ‘d’s, two ‘n’s, an ‘r’ and a ‘t’. Your thirty seconds starts now.”

The clock counts down and Carol scribbles furiously on her paper and frowns at the results.
The thirty seconds is up.

“Right, what do you have, Carol?”
“I have a seven letter word; ‘daunted’,” says Carol.

“Ooooh, not quite good enough I’m afraid. We have nine letters; ‘redundant’.”
“Oh.”

“Never mind, Carol, perhaps you’ll do better in the Numbers Round. Let’s see what you can make from a ‘one’ and five ‘zeros’.”

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Knitted

Trendy designer, Rachael Matthews, has sparked outrage with a set of knitting patterns to make woolly models of the world’s most evil dictators, for example; her Nazi design named Knitler.

A spokesman for the Jewish Network said: “You would hope people would have more sense than to take a cuddly Hitler into work.”

Yes, you would hope that, but then you’d hope that people would have more sense than to pierce so many rings and ornaments in their faces that they look like they’ve been caught in a jewellery factory explosion. Despite your hopes, they still do it.

It could be that other tyrants featured in knitting patterns are Iraqi monster Saddam Woolsein, Uganda’s brutal Knitty Amin and Cambodian dictator Purl Pot.

There are rumours that a range of celebrity knitted models may be on sale soon.

These may include singers Knitney Spears, Threadie Mercury and Knitney Houston, along with actor Brad Knit and his ex Jennifer Yarniston.
Or they may not.

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Get down boy!

The Open Wound has discovered that fearless German Shepherd dogs are being trained to jump from aircraft at 25,000ft wearing their own oxygen masks and strapped to special forces assault teams.
Once down in hostile terrain in Iraq or Afghanistan, the dogs will seek out insurgents’ hideouts with tiny cameras fixed to their heads. The cameras will beam live TV pictures back to the troops, warning of ambushes or showing enemy leaders’ locations.

The dogs were trained using the controversial Darwin Method that involved dropping them in batches from ever-increasing heights. Those that quickly learnt to pull the ripcord on the parachute survived to go on to the next part of the training.

The SAS have run extensive tests by parachuting the camera dogs into the nurses’ apartments at a local hospital.
“I’ve spent hours pouring over the footage we’ve had back,” said Sergeant Probe. “The nurses made it hard for me but nothing I couldn’t handle.”

There has been one unpleasant incident when an actual German shepherd was included in the program following an administrative error. He managed the parachute training, strapped to an SAS soldier, but was later rushed to hospital having consumed a tin of Cesar Senior (chicken and beef).

Sources report that the Taliban are already organising counter measures including electrifying lampposts, strapping land mines to cats and teaching small boys to throw sticks into fast rivers<

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What killed the dinosaurs

A koala that survived being hit by a car at 100 kph and dragged with his head jammed through the vehicle grill for 12 km has been dubbed Australia’s luckiest creature – despite being diagnosed with Chlamydia during his stay in animal hospital.

 

“Lucky” hung on during his ordeal with one arm and his trapped head until rescuers cut away the car’s mesh grill.

“Although Lucky was in shock, he quickly recovered,” said a hospital spokeswoman.

 

“I’ll say I was in bloody shock!” stated the furious koala.  “Chlamydia! 

And they called me Lucky!  Being hit by a car and dragged twelve kilometres to a hospital where they discover you’ve got a bad dose of the clap isn’t what I call bloody lucky!

 

‘Lucky’ is a bullet bouncing off the pendant you wear over your heart, or finding you’re the only harem eunuch who still has his nuts!”

 

Statistics show that the world’s angriest animal is the koala, a vice hidden by the animal’s ‘pretty’ looks.  Koalas often spontaneously combust due to a build up of unreleased rage and that is why Australia has so many bush fires.

Scientists think this pent up anger stems from the fact that although named ‘koala bears’ they are actually marsupials, which means they originate from the planet Mars, named after the God of War.

 

When the air began to run out on Mars the koalas left and came to earth, where they defeated the dinosaurs and took up residence in Australia, the place most like their home planet.

 

All the pieces come together eventually, you see?

 

            Angry beast about to explode                                  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An angry beast about to explode.

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Large rabbit meets medium

A London family who were suffering spooky goings-on at their home took Ralph their giant rabbit to London to meet famous medium Derek Acorah.
”We are pretty sure our house is haunted by something or other, so Ralph went up to London to meet Derek Acorah,’ said owner Pauline Grant. ‘They had a good old chat about the spirits in our house.”
 
Yes, it might sound ridiculous that just because you have a giant rabbit and you also have ‘spooky goings-on’ that you assume the two are connected but not necessarily.  It’s a bit like if you get a get a crack in your bathroom window on the same day as the prize dahlias in your garden all lose their heads.
At first two unconnected events.  But then you find out that little Norman next door has just got himself an air-rifle and all the pieces fit together.

Acorah, star of Most Haunted, felt Ralph was behind the spooky goings-on in the family home.
‘He seemed to think Ralph was channelling the spirit of a ghoul. It sounds like a load of old nonsense but Ralph isn’t your average rabbit.’

Yes, it does sound like a load of old nonsense but that’s because Derek Acorah is in conversation with a giant rabbit about a haunted house.  Apart from that it makes perfect sense. 
“He’s big, cuddly, a bit stupid and he leaves a trail of what may be large raisins behind him, but I think he understood me,” said the rabbit.

The spooky goings on include the sound of something kicking against a wall and wild whinnying noises.  Sometimes the spooky smell of oats and spooky hay permeates through the air of the family home at the Sussex Horse Rescue Trust in Uckfield, East Sussex.
There! You see! Eventually all the pieces fit together.

Horse

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