Egg plant in Worrall Scare

TV Celebrity chef, Ainsley Harriott caused switchboard meltdown for the BBC yesterday during a live broadcast of “Ready, steady, cook!”


During the “Phone in with Your Own Recipes”, section of the programme fellow chef Anthony Worrall Thompson bent to retrieve some fallen cutlery. 

At the same moment Ainsley, who was standing behind him, brandished a large Egg Plant at the camera and asked the television viewers “Can anybody tell me what to do with this?”


“The flood of telephone calls and emails telling Big Ains what he could do with that Aubergine wiped out our systems,” said distraught producer Ben Dankisset.


“Unfortunately Ainsley made things worse with his catchphrase ‘What am I like?’ which prompted another influx of suggestions.”


Winner of the competition was Mrs N Lawson from London who suggested something, that although physically impossible, moved the judges to tears by its simplicity and significance.

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Donkey diploma

“Hello Pooh,” said Eeyore, “What brings you to this wind-swept part of the country.  I expect you were going to see Rabbit and bumped into me by accident.”

“No, Eeyore, I came to see you.”

“Yes, you would say that, wouldn’t you?  But I know how things work.”


“That is why I came to see you Eeyore, because you know things.”

“Well, seeing as you stumbled across me, how can I help you, Pooh?”


“It’s this new Secondary School Diploma, I don’t know whether to choose that or to stick to the standard GCSE choice.”

“Ha!” said Eeyore, and then he said it again.  Twice.  “Ha, Ha!”


“The first five Diplomas start being taught in September 2008 in the employment sectors of creative and media, information technology, health and social care, construction and the built environment and engineering,” Eeyore continued.  “They are supposed to offer opportunities to the clever, like me, and the not-so-clever, like you.”


“But are they any good?” asked Pooh, rubbing his behind where he had just sat on one of Eeyore’s thistles.


“They will become the Qualification of Choice according to one Government Minister, whose name I forget.”

“I think that’s Balls,” said Pooh.


“Yes, so do I Pooh.  So do I.”

Eeyore chewed thoughtfully on a rather prickly leaf.

“Anyway, the point is that Diplomas have a ‘workplace slant’ so that a Bear With Very Little Brain would find it easier to find employment whilst a More Intelligent Individual would still be able to use it to get into University.”


“And would they help me get into the House Building Industry?” asked Pooh, hopefully.

“No, they wouldn’t.”

“Is that because they really aren’t that good, Eeyore?”

“No Pooh, it’s because there’s no bloody housing industry,” said Eeyore, gloomily.


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The last witch beheaded in Europe has been absolved as a victim of “judicial murder” more than 200 years after her death. The parliament of the Swiss canton of Glarus decided unanimously to clear the name of Anna Goeldi, who was executed in 1782 for an alleged case of poisoning.

“I always said I wasn’t a witch,” said 248-year-old Anna.  “Now if I can just have my head back I’ll be leaving.  The parking charges on my broomstick must be unbelievable by now.”


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The Chamber of Sikh Sets

Bollywood producers set to release a film called Hari Puttar: A Comedy Of Terrors are working to fend off a lawsuit filed by Warner Bros that claims the movie title is too close to their boy wizard franchise.  But the Bollywood producers say that the story of Hari Puttar bears no relation to the wizard Harry Potter.


“Ours is the unique, original story of a boy who lives at magic school with his pet owl Edfig,” said script writer AJ Rolling.  “We’re hoping that we can persuade famous Indian comedy actor Bobbie Coaltrain to play the part of school caretaker Bhagrid.”


“Hollywood is obsessed with the ridiculous idea that we are out to copy them,” said veteran film director Balt Wisnai.  “I had a similar problem with my last cartoon film ‘Omah Simpsum’.


Shy Owl          

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Rule 25a

There was consternation at the 6th World Tango Championships in Buenos Aires yesterday when organisers discovered that 801 individual dancers from 23 countries had entered the event.


 “How can we proceed with an odd number of contestants?” said chief judge Nysta Seeya, “Rule 25a clearly states that it takes two to Tango!”


Researchers across the world searched to find a way to avoid Rule 25a so that the Championships could continue.


“It takes two to Tango today, it will take two to Tango tomorrow, and (according to our records) it has always taken two,” said Pope Benedict XVI.  “Why do you think there were twelve disciples for God’s sake?”


“He’s correct,” stated the Dali Lama, “our Universe is built on four basic concepts, one of which is that a number of persons that is more than ‘one’ but less than ‘three’ must perform the dance known as ‘Tango’.


“Two there must be, before dance it you can,” said Yoda as at Ticket Refunds he queued.



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A long leash

Feminists around the world have reacted with horror to a new line of lingerie that comes equipped with a GPS tracking system that enables husbands and boyfriends to track their partner’s whereabouts.

Many years ago, my grandmother had a cheaper system to keep track of her husband, granddad Edgar. Before he left the house on an evening, she would attach one end of a length of elastic to his trouser belt and tie the other end to her rocking chair.

Then he would stride up the hill to the “Bird in the Hand” Public House, take his seat at the bar and commence to drink as much dark mild as possible before closing time. The elastic would stretch from his belt, out of the pub’, down the hill and through the front letterbox to the rocking chair.

Through years of experience, Gran could tell us what was happening at the far end of the tether.

“He’s on his fourth pint now, any time now and he’ll need the toilet,” she would say, and sure enough, a minute later and the elastic would pull and stretch a bit more as granddad staggered to the pub’ urinal.

At kicking-out-time, the gentle pull of the elastic would guide the happy but inebriated man back home. In his later years we rigged up a little trolley so he could gently wheel down the hill and tip into the hall.

The system was prone to abuse and several times the trolley would arrive with a passenger other than Edgar. Sometimes one of his giggling friends, once a friendly collie dog and one time only his trousers arrived.


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