The price of immortality

A college at Cambridge University has been renamed after a former student who donated £30m.

New Hall will become Murray Edwards College after donors Ros and Steve Edwards and founder Dame Rosemary Murray.


Immortality for sale! 

I quickly contacted my old secondary school in sleepy Middle England, only to find that after many years of attempting to educate the local farm hands, inbreds and village idiots they have given up, closed it as a Comprehensive and sold it to the Church of Scientology. 


However, the new owners seem pretty nice people and told me that for the right sort of donation I could still achieve immortality.  For £100 I could have one cubicle in the boys’ toilets named after me or for a mere £50 an oven in the Food Technology Unit (kitchen) would carry my name.  A tenner gets you your own hook in the cloakroom.


Alternatively, for £1m I could avoid death altogether and fly off in a space ship.


Mmmm… what to choose?


I only have bad memories of the toilet cubicles.  Chronic diarrhoea might possibly force a pupil to face the bullying that would accompany a toilet visit, otherwise it was literally a no go area.  No fond recollections of the kitchen either, although it was easier to urinate there.

What about a coat hook?

No bad experiences for me personally, but often I would walk past the cloakroom and see small boys hanging by their blazer collars from the hooks.
“’Morning Joseph, you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok Pete.  Just hanging out, you know.”

You had to laugh and keep walking in case the teachers hung you up as well.


In the end I gave the Church £25 to have my name carved into the wood of “Wackers Ashy”.  A mad History teacher named Randall intimidated and punished the pupils with this long, thick, ash cane.   

If “Wackers Ashy” is ever used in anger again the name ‘Dr Pete’ will be immortalised into the soft flesh of a young person’s buttocks.  
Although, come to think of it, it will say ‘eteP rD’.


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Who do you do?

New York’s coolest sexperts Em & Lo have brought out a book called Sex; How to Do Everything.    I haven’t read it, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes, but for anybody who wants to Do everything it’s probably great. It tells you how to do each other, how to do the exhaust pipe on your car, how to get the cat done and how to do the Sunday Times crossword. 

Em & Lo say: It’s great to share your fantasy with your partner.   If a threesome turns you on, but you don’t actually want to go through with it, try a pretend threesome together.   

Last night in bed I suggested to the wife that we try a threesome.
“Who with?” she enquired, picking up a large paper-weight from the bedside table.

“No one,” I replied, “well maybe a pretend person.”
“A pretend person?” She was gripping the paper weight very hard.
“Yeah, a sort of fantasy person.”
“We’re not going to want the same thing; so that would be two pretend people?” 
She squeezed a droplet of water from the paper-weight.

“Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.”
“Right.   Well you stay your side of the bed with your pretend person and I’ll stay over here with mine.  Ok?”
“Yes, dear.  Are you going to put that paper-weight down now?”

Paper weight

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Cruising for a bruising

Lancashire man, Mick Tempest, got a surprise when he woke up to find that somebody had stolen the York Stone garden path from his allotment. ‘When I opened the bedroom curtains and looked out I couldn’t believe my eyes,’ he told the Burnley Express.
In a similar incident retired Enfield man, Ed Aphon woke to find his entire garden had been stolen and replaced by a large mass of water. Charging out of his bedroom he fell down three flights of red carpeted, gold bannistered and unexpected stairs before coming to rest in a Pan-Pacific ‘Eat-all-you-like’ Buffet.

“It was only as I hurtled past the P&O foreign exchange desk on deck two that I remembered that I wasn’t in my north London council bungalow but actually on a two week Mediterranean cruise,” said Ed.

“Mr Aphon sustained very few injuries from his fall down the stairwell of the cruise ship due to the lavish and plush fixtures and fittings,” said a P&O spokesman. “His main injuries were caused because he fell face first onto the sea food grill and a lobster claw penetrated his pyjamas trouser front.”

“My doctor warned me against rich seafood, luckily it was only my pride that was injured,” said Ed, examining his groin.
“I wouldn’t be proud of that,” scowled Mrs Aphon.


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Plane sailing

80,000 amateur aviation enthusiasts attended London’s annual Red Bull competition in which crews of gravity-defying hopefuls launched their home made crafts from a ramp above the Serpentine in Hyde Park.  Although most of the madcap machines fail to fly at all, the competition is not just judged on distance.  Entrants are also rewarded for their creativity and showmanship.


In first place was one of the RAF’s new Chinook Helicopters which managed a horizontal distance of 57 feet before disappearing into the Serpentine.

“We’re pleased with that,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesman, “the Chinese software worked for almost the entire flight.”


Second place was taken by the Mars Global Surveyor, which although it only managed to fly 20 feet forwards did attain a vertical height of about 35 million miles. 
“We’re pleased with that,” said a NASA spokesman, “we’ve been wondering where that bit of kit had gotten to since it disappeared in 2006.”


And in third place was Andy Gossard who whilst eating at Gordon Ramsay’s Boxwood restaurant suggested that the lamb was over roasted and needed more salt.

“We’re pleased with that,” said a spokesman, “Gordon’s never thrown somebody of that weight before.  The fact that Andy was still seated on his chair as he entered the water was sheer gastronomic genius!”






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“Hello sir, do you have your own bag?”

“I have a very nice Henk suitcase at home for my holidays young lady but I don’t bring it into Marks and Spencers with me.  Why do you ask?”

“I mean a bag to put your shopping in.”

“You couldn’t put shopping in a Henk young lady; just give me the normal M and S plastic bag.”


“Would it be alright if I charged you 5p to help the environment, sir?”

“No.  How the hell would that ever work?”


“We’re charging 5p for plastic bags to discourage customers from using them.”

 “I’ll tell you what, you stop over-packaging your products in plastic, turn off some of these display lights and set the escalators so that they only run on demand, and I’ll pay you 5p for a bloody plastic bag.  How about that?”

“I’ll have to ask my supervisor.”

“No don’t worry, I’ll pay the fee.”


“Would you like help packing your shopping?”

“No, thank you.  I only have three items to pack.  The day I need help with that, is the day I’ll need help urinating.  Do you assist people to urinate?”

“I’ll have to ask my supervisor.  Can you hold on a minute,sir?”

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Cooking al fresco

The Phoenix lander’s first dig into the Martian soil for scientific study has been delayed by several technical glitches.

Phoenix had planned to dig the first of three shallow pits north of where it landed this week. It would then shovel the soil into a tiny oven to be baked. The resulting gases would be analysed by a variety of scientific instruments. Unfortunately, a sticky oven door and a bombardment of space particles have stopped Nasa’s experiments.


“What is the little metal Alien invader doing now, Fruitella 521?”

“He was scratching around in the mud earlier, Spangle 10, but now he’s just resting quietly.”


“Has he been cooking any soil today, Fruitella 521?”

“No, nothing today.”

“No mud pies or tiny rock cakes?”
“Don’t be cruel Spangle 10, I don’t think the little fella knows what he’s doing.”


“I don’t think he’s all there.  He’s been sitting blinking to himself since his tiny oven door jammed.”

“Jammed?  You wedged it with a stick!”


“Yeah, well, who asked him to invade us anyway?”

“He’s not doing any damage.”

“He’s a thief, Fruitella 521, he’s stealing mud, cooking it and then shoving it into that ventral orifice which I sincerely hope is his mouth.”


“What if he tries to leave without putting it back?”

“I’ll set the cat on him, like we did with all the others.”


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