Spidey ID Hidey

Spiderman is answering a call for help from St Confidence’s High School.  He swings down and approaches the privately employed guard who is barring the main entrance.

“Stand aside mere mortal, Spiderman is here!”

“Have you got two forms of ID, one with a photo’ and one with your private address?” asks the guard. 

“No.  I don’t carry that sort of thing with me.”

“You’re not coming in here then, sunshine.”

“But I’m on my way to a crime – to rescue one of your students from Dr Octopus!”

“The only crime around here is the crime of you having no ID in a potential Money Laundering situation.”

“But this is a school, why would there be Money Laundering?” says an outraged Spiderman.

“Listen sunshine, it’s more than my job’s worth to let people in here with no ID, let alone people in masked costumes and embarrassingly snug tights.”

“But what do you need to know about me?”

“Well I can see you’re not Jewish,” said the guard, staring pointedly at the front of his Spidey pants “but I also have to see the aforementioned ID.”

“Everyone knows me, I’m Spiderman!  Look I can do this!”
Spiderman ejects some web fluid from his wrist onto a passing first year student.

“Being able to fire strings of what appears to be mucus from tubes in your wrist is not a form of identification that appears on my list, sir.”

Spiderman takes the list and examines it.
“But if I show you any of these things, you’re going to know who I am!”

“That’s correct; I think you’re getting the idea now, sir.”

“Well, if I can’t get in, at least tell me if Dr Octopus is in there.”

“No, can’t do that sir.  That would be an invasion of privacy and besides, how am I supposed to know if he’s in there?”

“He is a megalomaniac who has four additional arms attached to his torso, each of which is twelve feet long and has a deadly weapon at the end.  He has a haircut like Elton John, bottle glass spectacles and he leaves a trail of destruction and fear in his wake.  Have you let him in?”

“I honestly can’t remember, sir, but rest assured that if he’s in there killing students, he’s definitely got two forms of ID.”

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Watch out, here comes the Spiderman!

Asda Stores, Milton Keynes has erected a 14 foot inflatable Spiderman to promote the launch of the latest Spiderman DVD.

Starting a nationwide tour, the giant Spidey crouches astride the main entrance of the supermarket.  The PVC inflatable is one of a number of high-profile point-of-sale items supplied to superstores this year.

Mrs Dreadnought, a pensioner doing her weekly shop, peered with some amusement at Spidey’s crotch hanging above her.  “It’s not often I’m in this position these days,” she cackled. 
“Usually I’m on top and me ‘usband only wears a costume on me birthday.”

Other models available include an over inflated Jonathon Ross, a rather limp Dale Winton and an overstretched Katie Price.

“If you want more customers, there’s nothing as attractive as one of our high-profile dirigibles, “said an inflatables salesman.  “They’re very popular but we do have trouble controlling them.  A blow-up Jodie Marsh got away from us last week and the wind carried her into the local monastery.  Those poor monks haven’t seen a woman in years, let alone one with tits a metre wide, and they’re even bigger on the inflatable.”

The Abbot from the monastery said, “Some of my lads haven’t left their cells since the incident.
But most of them are homosexual so thank God it wasn’t Spiderman’s erection!”

“You haven’t got any photo’s of that, have you?” he added.

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I Walk the Line

Football Association chief executive Brian Barwick says he is not worried by managers apparently ruling themselves out of becoming England coach.

But Martin O’Neill, Alan Curbishley and Sam Allardyce have stated they are not interested and are committed to their current club roles.  If they wanted to spend their days in an overpaid job, coaching idiots, with crowds of badly behaved yobs shouting abuse at them, they would have become school teachers. 

The FA have suggested that they will have to look outside of football to find a suitable personality, somebody popular with the masses but with the authority to control tense situations.  These pages can exclusively reveal that last weekend, at a secret training ground the star of Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth was given a trial run.

“Alright my loves?” Bruce asked the assembled players.  “Oooh you do look good in those outfits.  Give us a twirl Wayne, give us a twirl!”

During the training match against Reading Under 21 (girls), Bruce could be seen prancing up and down the touchline shouting advice and encouraging the assembled fans to support his team.
“Nice to see you, to see you nice!” he threw his arms wide and gave his biggest grin to the Shed End terraces.  “So much better than the audience we had last week.”
A Ginster steak pie narrowly missed his head.

On the pitch Nancy Drew, the nineteen year old Reading centre-forward, dribbled around John Terry, nutmegged Gary Neville and slid the ball beneath David James.
“Oh wasn’t that a shame – but didn’t she do well?” Bruce asked the crowd.
“You get nothing for a pair, not in this game!” he shouted at Nancy, as she removed her shirt during her goal celebration.
“I’m going to give you a Brucie bonus, my love!”

As the England eleven trooped dejectedly from the pitch to the boos of the crowd, Bruce consoled them, “Don’t worry, you can always come back next week.  You’re my favourites.”
A broken seat hurled from the stands narrowly missed him, as his music hall instincts prompted him to duck, but felled David Beckham who has not yet learnt when it’s time to leave centre stage.

Bruce spoke to the assembled press.
“Good game, good game!” he pouted, “We didn’t get any points there, and what do points make?”

The hard face journalists made no reply.
He tried again, “I’m in charge!”

“Do you wanna bet on it?” replied Brian Barwick from the back.

“Oooh!” said Bruce, exiting stage right, “A chance to go for the car!”

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The Fall of the Wild

An American couple have survived unscathed after their minivan was crushed – by a falling cow.

Charles and Linda Everson were driving back to their hotel when Michelle, a 600lb rodeo cow, landed on their bonnet.  Chelan County fire chief Arnold Bake said the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches in the accident near Manson in Washington State.

Mr Everson, 49, said he was in alliteration shock as he watched the bovine bounce off his battered bonnet.
“All of a sudden I’m looking at it, and I tell my wife, ‘It’s a cow,'” he said.

“Charles is not a quick thinker,” said Mrs. Everson, “but even he knows a cow when he sees one’s arse spread over his windscreen.”
“Yeah, I know a cow’s arse when I see one,” said Mr. Everson, giving his wife a meaningful look.

Chelan County Sheriff’s Sergeant Mike Harris said the animal was a Professional Bull Rider-registered cow that had escaped its ranch about a month ago.

“It was bred for rodeo,” Sgt Harris told the paper. “It was not your normal cow in a field.  A professional cow like that needs the wide open spaces and the thrill of adventure.  Unfortunately, this cow chose hang-gliding and you really need fingers to properly enjoy hang-gliding.”

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A new low

A man in Missouri has been arrested for possession of a hallucinogenic toad. Police in Kansas City say David Theiss planned to get high by licking the Colorado River Toad’s venom glands.

The FAT (Frog and Toad) Police Squad swooped on Mr Theiss as he was wining and dining the toad in a local French restaurant.
“You can’t just grab a toad and start licking it,” said an expert, “they need to be romanced and seduced, just like a woman.  A small, tubby green woman.”

A member of the FAT Squad said, “We got there just in time, Mr Theiss and the toad had already consumed a bottle of Jacob’s Creek and were just getting stuck into the Mud Pie dessert.  A few more minutes and that poor Toad would’ve taken a licking.”

“Hey, Mr Theiss is a nice guy, he doesn’t talk down to me,” said the Toad. “The meal was excellent and we were having a great time, I wouldn’t have minded putting out, or secreting venom as us girls prefer to call it.”

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Old Spice at Xmas

Shooting this year’s Tesco Christmas ads was the first time the Spice Girls had worked together since their reunion.  The first ad, ‘Secret Santa’, shows the girls shopping for presents for each other whilst desperately trying not to be spotted by their band-mates.

Yes, desperately.  That’s because if you were a multi-millionaire, you’d be embarrassed to be caught shopping for your ‘friends’ presents in Tesco’s, wouldn’t you?  Yeah, you would.

The second ad, ‘Perfect Christmas’, airs on Mon 3rd December, and features the girls at home debating their favourite Christmas meal.  As you might expect, they don’t exactly see eye to eye on what they should have for dinner!

No they don’t. 
Sweaty wants a vegan meal, Bouncy only eats chocolate cake, Tarty wants protein, Mumsy demands alcohol, and Snobby doesn’t eat anything.  The only thing they can agree on is that they don’t want any of that bloody awful Tesco’s party food.  
 
No boyfriends, husbands or unmarried fathers are to be invited but the girls can bring their own hairdressers and wardrobe stylists.
There is to be no religious theme as they worship different gods or objects but the girls can bring their own priest, shaman, minister or celebrant.Discussion of personal wealth is taboo as this may cause envy but the girls can bring their own agents, financial gurus, property managers and life style coaches.

It should be quite a party, once the girls have gone to bed, and as long as the local Chinese delivers.

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