The Open Wound

I had a stalker on the walk home from work last night.  One of those blue and yellow police helicopters was taking the same route as me across the town.  It kept flying in little circles and I could see the crew looking down at me.  I wasn’t concerned at first.  I was eating an ‘individual’ pork pie that I had bought for lunch but then decided to eat as a treat on the way home.  (What the hell is an ‘individual’ pork pie?  Has it no friends?  Has it a unique character all of its own?). 

Moreover, I was on the way home from work, so everything was ok. 

The police swooped lower for a closer look and I could lip-read what the observer was saying into his radio;

“He is wearing a black jacket and he has a bun.”

The Control Centre crackled back at him through his headphones.

“What do you mean ‘shoot to kill’?” shouted the observer,“He’s just some fat bloke!”

The pilot had heard some of that and I saw the machine gun at the front swing around to point at me.

The headphones crackled again.

“No!” replied the observer, “Not a flack jacket and a gun!  A black jacket and a bun!”

Control was silent for a few seconds then sent another burst of static into his ear.

“I don’t know what sort of bun!  Do you want me to ask him?”

The megaphone on the helicopter came to life and bellowed down at me: “What sort of bun is that you are eating?”

Several other pedestrians were looking now.

“It’s a Melton Mowbray pork pie!”  I yelled, spaying crumbs from my mouth.  I waved the pie in the air.

The observer reported to control, “He’s a foreigner; I didn’t understand a word of what he said”.

Control gave him his orders and he relayed them to the pilot.

“We’ve got to leave him and go back to base; we can’t be seen to be harassing immigrants.”

“It’s a pork pie!”  I shouted at the retreating helicopter.

 A little old woman who had been watching, glowered at me, “Bloody foreigners!” she muttered.

Why is everybody on a ‘journey’?  In ‘Strictly Not Dancing’ it’s only the first night and everyone will improve, they are on a ‘journey’.  In ‘I’m a B List Celebrity Hype Me Up Here’ everybody’s behaving like spoilt children, but it’s ok, they are on a ‘journey’. 
No they are not, they’ve been on a journey to get there and most of them will make the return journey home, but the whole point of the programme is that they stay where they are. 

If you want to see somebody on a journey, watch Michael Palin; he’s always off somewhere or other at the licence payers’ expense.  Or that Bruce Parry in ‘Tribe’; he’ll travel half way around the world and live off a handful of tree stump.  Those are real journeys.

Anyway, thank goodness ‘Strictly etc’ is back, it’s so exciting watching all those celebrities dancing with the professional dancers.  Last night Techtonic and Labia were attempting a progressive dance including a Guapacha step whilst dressed as the characters from ‘Dr Zhivago’.  But once in the Sweetheart position Techtonic got a piece of Labia’s muff trapped in his teeth and during the struggle to free himself they tripped and went headfirst into the audience.  Luckily they fell onto the sweet trolley and two black forest gateau’s and a bowl of sherry trifle cushioned their landing.  The trolley shot across the dance floor, down the stairs and out through the emergency exit with Techtonic and Labia desperately clutching onto it. 

A witness from outside the Television centre stated; “They were lucky because the number 220 bus just missed running them down, but they were unlucky because their trolley got caught on the number 72 bus and they were dragged off in the direction of Fulham.”
“Do you think they’ll be back next week?” asked our reporter.
“I dunno mate, it can get pretty rough in Fulham and they were dressed like fairies and smothered in what looked like cream cake.  If the people don’t get them, their cats and dogs will.”

If they get back, now that’s what I call a journey.