I Walk the Line

Football Association chief executive Brian Barwick says he is not worried by managers apparently ruling themselves out of becoming England coach.

But Martin O’Neill, Alan Curbishley and Sam Allardyce have stated they are not interested and are committed to their current club roles.  If they wanted to spend their days in an overpaid job, coaching idiots, with crowds of badly behaved yobs shouting abuse at them, they would have become school teachers. 

The FA have suggested that they will have to look outside of football to find a suitable personality, somebody popular with the masses but with the authority to control tense situations.  These pages can exclusively reveal that last weekend, at a secret training ground the star of Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth was given a trial run.

“Alright my loves?” Bruce asked the assembled players.  “Oooh you do look good in those outfits.  Give us a twirl Wayne, give us a twirl!”

During the training match against Reading Under 21 (girls), Bruce could be seen prancing up and down the touchline shouting advice and encouraging the assembled fans to support his team.
“Nice to see you, to see you nice!” he threw his arms wide and gave his biggest grin to the Shed End terraces.  “So much better than the audience we had last week.”
A Ginster steak pie narrowly missed his head.

On the pitch Nancy Drew, the nineteen year old Reading centre-forward, dribbled around John Terry, nutmegged Gary Neville and slid the ball beneath David James.
“Oh wasn’t that a shame – but didn’t she do well?” Bruce asked the crowd.
“You get nothing for a pair, not in this game!” he shouted at Nancy, as she removed her shirt during her goal celebration.
“I’m going to give you a Brucie bonus, my love!”

As the England eleven trooped dejectedly from the pitch to the boos of the crowd, Bruce consoled them, “Don’t worry, you can always come back next week.  You’re my favourites.”
A broken seat hurled from the stands narrowly missed him, as his music hall instincts prompted him to duck, but felled David Beckham who has not yet learnt when it’s time to leave centre stage.

Bruce spoke to the assembled press.
“Good game, good game!” he pouted, “We didn’t get any points there, and what do points make?”

The hard face journalists made no reply.
He tried again, “I’m in charge!”

“Do you wanna bet on it?” replied Brian Barwick from the back.

“Oooh!” said Bruce, exiting stage right, “A chance to go for the car!”


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