Crocodile tale

Three homesick crocodiles in Australia have shocked experts by returning hundreds of kilometres back to their homes after being relocated. One large croc was trapped on the west coast of Queensland’s rugged Cape York Peninsula. It was flown by helicopter to the east coast. Within three weeks it was back home, after a journey of more than 400km (250 miles). It is unclear, though, what enables the reptiles to navigate so skilfully.
Professor Franklin said crocodiles probably used many factors such as their position to the Sun, magnetic fields, sight, and smell to navigate.

“That Franklin gets on my tits,” said one crocodile, who didn’t want to be named.
“How the hell do you smell your way 250 miles?  We use yer run of the mill Ordnance Survey Memory Map coupled with state of the art GPS.”

“A crocodile with GPS, how does that work?” asked our reporter.

“A GPS receiver must be locked on to the signal of at least three satellites to calculate a 2D position (latitude and longitude) and track movement. With four or more satellites in view, the receiver can determine the user’s 3D position (latitude, longitude and altitude). Once the user’s position has been determined, the GPS unit can calculate other information, such as speed, bearing, track, trip distance, distance to destination, sunrise and sunset time and more,” stated the crocodile.

“He’s not usually so snappy,” said Franklin, “it’s probably because they didn’t let him pilot the helicopter.”

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Concert review

 

Barbra Streisand 

Thousands of people who complained about the facilities at a Barbra Streisand concert in County Kildare in July are to be compensated.
Traffic jams, seating problems, a lack of stewarding and mucky conditions led to 1,144 letters of complaint representing about 2,500 people. 
BBC News

735 of the complaint letters came from Barbara Streisand herself.  Her towels were too pink and her soap wasn’t pink enough.  Her peppermints were too peppery and her personal steward was stewed.  And so it went on, it was a nightmare for the poor woman, and they had the cheek to ask her to sing! 

Those of the crowd who bothered to stay long enough to hear the actual concert are to receive further compensation for their additional suffering.

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The Forward Guide Vane – Atonement review

The wife has been to see ‘Atonement’ at the cinema and was keen to discuss the finer points of this dramatic masterpiece.
“When she gets out of the fountain her dress is so wet that you can see her front bottom.  She’s got a lot of hair for a skinny girl!”
“Perhaps she’s wearing a merkin,” I suggested.
“What the hell’s a merkin?”

A merkin is a pubic wig and they have been around (and about) for over four hundred years, although I would buy a new one if you’re going to indulge yourself.
The merkin man called at the houses of the Gentry and sold his wigs to Ladies who had removed their God-given pubic hair to combat lice infestation.  If the Man of the house answered the door, to spare the blushes of the Lady, the merkin man would pretend that he was selling false beards.  This could lead to some embarrassing mix ups in the bedroom, especially if the couple had similar tastes and had chosen the same design and colour.  In fact, Brian Rix had a play running in the West End that was based entirely on that situation.  Hilarious.

The nursery rhyme, ‘Have you seen the Muffin Man?’ is actually a corruption of the original, ‘Have you seen the Merkin man, with merkins curled or plain?’

A vertical aerodynamic fin called the Merkin first saw its use in Formula One on the Williams FW22A (2000) (as named by Chief Aerodynamicist Geof Willis), although this name was changed to the more common name of “Forward Guide Vane” after higher authorities found out its true meaning. 

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New speed record

Timothy Brady, 33, pleaded guilty at Oxford Crown court to dangerous driving.  He was clocked driving a Porsche 911 Turbo at 172 mph.  That is the fastest speed ever recorded in a routine speed check in the UK.Insp Martin Percival, of Thames Valley Police, said: “All road users share a great responsibility to others and need to realise that high speed increases the chance of failing to react to an emergency, let alone take sufficient action to resolve it.”  Insp Percival said the 172mph speed equated to 77m per second.
“To put that into context, the average duration of a single blink of the eye is 0.3 seconds, during which time the car would have travelled 23m (five car lengths).” 
In fact the constable who recorded the incident didn’t at first realise what had happened. 
“I thought I’d had some sort of stroke,” said Constable Happening, “I saw a blur of light and lost all the feeling in my toes.  There was a breeze as if an angel was passing and I heard the distant sound of Johnny Cash singing ‘I Walk the Line’.  It turned out that Mr Brady had run over my toes, luckily he was travelling so fast that it only left a fleeting impression.”

A more permanent impression was recorded by the speed cameras and Mr Brady faces ten weeks in jail.

Previous record holder, Jason McAllister, recorded a time of 156mph driving on the A90 between Aberdeen and Dundee.
“If you’ve ever spent time in Dundee you’ll know why he was leaving so fast,” said an Aberdonian.

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Shivering sands

I’ve had a ‘phone call from my mate Dunston!  Things aren’t too good.  It turns out that his ‘island’, Shivering Sands, is actuallly a World War II defence station!  He wondered why people looked at him strangely when he mentioned the name of his new home, and now he knows why the fisherman who took him out there was laughing so hard.  There are seven rusty, iron forts some still joined to each other by rickety walkways.  On their four stilt legs, rising out of the waves, they look like battered old Martians from War of the Worlds.  Below is a picture of them that I found on Dave Roberts site at gulbekian.plus.com.  Go there and have a look at some more. Imagine Dunston, his cat Flump and Justice the dog, inside their sleeping bag, inside their tent, inside their fort.  The best you can say is that the neighbours are peaceful and the front lawn doesn’t need mowing.

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Mime dies

Marcel Marceau died today aged 84.  He will be sadly missed in the world of entertainment.  A friend commented, “He was the perfect neighbour, he led a quiet life, never a sound from him and he would always lend me his make-up if I ran short.  The poor man was often struggling in the street with wind.  I got the feeling he always felt boxed in.”
Mr Marceau’s last words have not been reported.

Umbrella

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