The Open Wound

This film depicts the heroic defence of the pass of Thermopylae by 300 Spartan soldiers against a massive Persian army.  As it happens there were about 1,700 other dudes helping them so really it should be called ‘The 2,000’ but perhaps I’m just splitting hairs. 

1,000 of these other dudes were listed as slaves,  that’s more than 3 slaves per Spartan, so what were they doing whilst the arrows were flying? 
“Havananus, pass me my best sword and mix me a martini, shaken not stirred.”
“Certainly, master.  Also, allow me to dab that bloodstain out with some white wine before it gets too deep into your toga.”

The heroic 300 (2,000) held up the Persian army long enough for Athens to prepare their navy for The Battle of Salamis.  It was so named because they had run out of swords by then, despite melting down their garden railings and saucepans, and resorted to belting the Persians with large, garlic and meat sausages. 
This is the origin of “Es geht um die Wurst” — German idiom meaning “now or never,” which literally translates as “it’s all about the sausage.” It’s a phrase worth learning as it can be used in many situations.
“Es geht um die Wurst!” shouted Gandalf and smote the ground with his staff, causing the bridge to break and the huge Bogle dragged him into the depths of the Mines of Maria.
“What did Gandalf the Gay, say?” asked Legless.
“Something about a sausage.” said Hobo.

The Film called ‘The 300’ has a reviewer gushing “elegantly violent“.
Isn’t that from the same school of reviewing as “awkwardly peaceful” for ‘The Sound of Music.’  Yes, I think it must be the same guy. 
If I get hold of him I’ll show him “elegantly violent”.  I’ll strangle him with my Chanel camisole and bottle him with a 1787 Chateau Lafite.

The truth is, I haven’t seen the film.  There I said it.  But when I do see it I’m sure it will be sadly colourful and sardonically scenic.

The wife has been to see ‘Atonement’ at the cinema and was keen to discuss the finer points of this dramatic masterpiece.
“When she gets out of the fountain her dress is so wet that you can see her front bottom.  She’s got a lot of hair for a skinny girl!”
“Perhaps she’s wearing a merkin,” I suggested.
“What the hell’s a merkin?”

A merkin is a pubic wig and they have been around (and about) for over four hundred years, although I would buy a new one if you’re going to indulge yourself.
The merkin man called at the houses of the Gentry and sold his wigs to Ladies who had removed their God-given pubic hair to combat lice infestation.  If the Man of the house answered the door, to spare the blushes of the Lady, the merkin man would pretend that he was selling false beards.  This could lead to some embarrassing mix ups in the bedroom, especially if the couple had similar tastes and had chosen the same design and colour.  In fact, Brian Rix had a play running in the West End that was based entirely on that situation.  Hilarious.

The nursery rhyme, ‘Have you seen the Muffin Man?’ is actually a corruption of the original, ‘Have you seen the Merkin man, with merkins curled or plain?’

A vertical aerodynamic fin called the Merkin first saw its use in Formula One on the Williams FW22A (2000) (as named by Chief Aerodynamicist Geof Willis), although this name was changed to the more common name of “Forward Guide Vane” after higher authorities found out its true meaning.