Suburban high life

A woman who climbed 20ft up a tree to help a trapped cat had to be rescued by firefighters after being stranded when a branch broke beneath her.

The woman, who did not wish to be named, said, “I will die of embarrassment if people find out it was me, Clare Sheeblows of ‘15 The Poplars’ who was stuck up that tree.”

Roving reporter Tim Flaps rushed to the scene to interview chief fire fighter, Mike Lackson.

“Mike, what steps did you take to rescue Clare?”
“The usual ones that we carry on top of the vehicle, Tim.”

“No, Mike, I mean; what procedure did you follow?”
“My mate Rob knocked her down with a jet of water from the high-power hose and the rest of us caught her in a blanket.”
“And was the cat okay with being treated like that?”
“That was Clare, not the cat.”
“So, how did you get the cat down?”
“Once it saw what happened to Clare it miraculously found its own way.”

“It was very exciting,” said the cat, “especially the bit where Clare bounced out of the blanket and landed in number thirty-three’s holly bush.  I haven’t heard howling like that since Tibbles at number five was neutered.

Fire engine

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Invisible man

‘This summer, the floral trend isn’t just for women. You guys can get into the flower power too and incorporate this look in your wardrobes. Whip out a Hawaiian shirt and team it with a pair of casual shorts to get into the summer mood.’
 msn Life & Style.

Normally I wouldn’t take fashion advice from my computer software provider, anymore than I’d ask the woman behind the till at Burtons Tailors how to configure my Xbox 360.  However, on this occasion, the flowery clothing tip from msn was too good to resist and I quickly whipped out the Hawaiian shirt and shorts that had been neglected at the bottom of my wardrobe since that unfortunate incident with the hornets in 1993.

Later that day, when the wife returned from the shops she came to find me in the garden.  Imagine my delight when I found that she walked right past without speaking or acknowledging me in any way!

It appeared that as long as I stood still in front of the flowerbeds I was completely camouflaged!  I decided to continue the joke, stand still and see how long it would take her to find me.
The wife went back into the house and I remained motionless, anxious to see how long I could fool her for.

Around four hours later, as it was getting dark, my daughter came into the garden and walked straight up to me.

“Dad, mum says that you’ve missed your dinner and when you’ve finished sodding about, can you come in and do the washing up.
Oh – and she said that those shorts are far too small for you, tuck yourself in or there might be an accident next time she’s harvesting the mini-plum tomatoes.”

Mini plum tomatoes?  Bitch!

Toms

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In space no one can hear you fart

A six-wheeled robot that will be sent to Mars is being tested in a giant sand pit in Stevenage.  The robot will sample the atmosphere of Mars for traces of gases that are produced by biological processes.  And across the gulf of space, intellects vast and cool regard our planet with envious eyes.

“What are the Earthlings doing now, Spangle10?”
“You may well ask, Fruitella521. They appear to be training another one of those little metal guys that they send up here.”

“Training?”
“Yes, they have assembled a large quantity of fine grade quartz and the little guy is trundling backwards and forwards across it. Also, they are making him sniff stuff.”

“Like coke?”
“No Fruitella521, more basic than that.  They are forcing him to smell organo-sulphides and biological methanes.”

“You mean ‘farts’!”
“Yes. It appears to be a punishment or torture.”

“Poor little fella.”
“It’s far worse than you think.”

“How could it be, Spangle10?”
“They are making him work in Stevenage.”

“Cruel bastards.”

Redsky

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A fare cop

An alleged mobile brothel in the US state of Florida has taken its last ride following a police sting.

Undercover detectives in Miami Beach allegedly paid a $40 entry fee to board the vehicle and found women offering sex acts and lap dances for money.

 

A similar operation was uncovered in Cobham, England when two off duty police officers accidentally boarded the ‘Surrey Sexpress’, as it is known by the locals.

 

“The bus pulled up at the stop and the driver asked if anybody wanted a number sixty-nine stating that he was ‘going all the way’,” said Constable Happening.

 

His colleague, Sergeant Incident, said that it took a while for them to realise exactly what was going on.

“I first became suspicious when the driver told me that there was ‘plenty of room on top’ and I noticed that it wasn’t a double-decker bus.  He kept shouting ‘hold very tight, please’ and laughing.”

 

Their suspicions were confirmed when the Ticket Inspector removed her clothes and danced around the seats.

 

“She certainly punched my ticket,” said Constable Happening.  “When I said I wanted a single to Mount Vernon she charged me an extra thirty pounds.”

 

The driver was later charged with several offences including ‘Entering a box before the exit was clear’ and ‘Using a route reserved for one way traffic in the wrong direction’

bus

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On a pedestal

More than 2,400 people will occupy Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth over 100 days as part of a living artwork.

Antony Gormley won the opportunity to showcase ‘The One and the Other’. His work will allow volunteers to stand on the plinth, for one hour at a time.
 
Gormley said:

“Through elevation onto the plinth and removal from common ground, the body becomes a metaphor, a symbol and allows us to reflect on the diversity, vulnerability and particularity of the individual in contemporary society.”

Jonah Motor, Minister of Culture for Catford, said:

 “That’s the most pretentious bag of crap-speak it’s been my misfortune to hear.  Giving a procession of no-hoper wannabes the chance to pose in Trafalgar Square is about as artistic and meaningful as having your children’s names tattooed across your back!”

“I’ve asked if me and the wife can go on first,” said Mister Beckham of Los Angeles.  “I’ll do some of me keepie-uppies and the missus can try singing.”

“We’ll try and get her the coveted 3am slot,” said a spokesman

TrafalgarSquare

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International news


An Arab country’s ambassador to Dubai has had his marriage contract annulled after discovering the bride was cross-eyed and had facial hair.  The woman had worn an Islamic veil, known as the niqab, on the few occasions the couple had met. 
“This wouldn’t happen in a Western society,” said a spokesman from somewhere.  “In Glasgow, where I come from, we use alcohol to deaden our perceptions and enhance the beauty of the opposite sex.  I married a lovely girl whilst under the influence of sixteen bottles of Special Brew only to discover when I became sober, six months later, that it was actually my greyhound ‘Fast Henry’.  No wonder we were having trouble starting a family.”

An Australian performance artist has set a Guinness world record by swallowing 18 swords at the same time.  Chayne Hultgren, also known as the Space Cowboy, beat his own 2008 record by swallowing the swords.   
At a press conference several journalists suffered lacerations to the lower body when Mr Hultgren bent to tie his shoe laces and later paramedics were called when it was discovered that he had become impaled on his chair after sitting down too quickly.  
“It’s what we call a deep seated condition,” said somebody who may have been a doctor.  “To be blunt he’s going to have to carry a supply of corks and try and put all this behind him.”

Swords

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