Wood

Posted on October 7, 2024 by Dr Pete

The new weekly documentary adventure series – featuring high-achieving British women taking on tough, physical jobs that have only ever been done by men – continues. In tonight’s second episode, three women travel to the wilds of British Columbia to join logging operations during the freezing Canadian winter.

It’s not long before Supervisor Tim Burr is having to help out.
“What’s wrong Tracey?”
“I think there’s something wrong with this saw, Tim, I’m only managing to cut one tree a day and everybody else is doing dozens.”
“Let me have a go, little lady.”
Tim takes a firm grip on the chain saw and pulls the starting cord twice so that it roars into life.
“Bloody hell! What’s that noise?” exclaims Tracey.
“That’s the motor, luv.”
“The saw’s got a motor?!”

Meanwhile, Anna is assisting Paul Ardar in the gloomy hold of one of the boats.
“Ok, Anna, get some grease on your hands and reach through that access hole towards me until you find the main piston.”
“But I can’t see what I’m doing Paul!”
“I know luv, but just stretch towards the sound of my voice until your hand touches the piston rod.”
“Ok, I’ll try. Oh, I think I’ve found it! I’ve got a good grip on it now. I’m working the grease into it. Are you ok, Paul? You’ve gone very quiet. Paul?”

Helen is packing her bags ready to leave.
“Why are you leaving Helen,” asks the TV Director, “is it just too tough for you?”
“I don’t mind the hard work and long hours,” she replies. “It’s the swearing, farting and sexual advances that I can’t put up with any longer!”
“But surely you’d expect that from a gang of isolated, uneducated men?”
“Yeah I would, but it’s Tracey and Anna doing it!”

Next week: The offside rule and slashing into a bucket from a standing position.

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Not a brand new dance and it’s coming to town

Posted on October 6, 2024 by Dr Pete

It’s this week’s World Premier Fashion Show and prima donna and top fashion guru, Lotta Fussenshyte is sitting in the best seat, surrounded by her entourage, watching the models pass on the catwalk just feet from her nose.
She’s an important woman. If she states that wearing your household pets is the latest fashion, a week later Prince Harry will be sporting Corgi fur trousers.

“Oh God, this is so tedious,” she neighs, as the skinny, bug eyed girls totter along like a herd of baby giraffes that have been dressed from Woolworths by an escaped mental patient.
“If only the designers could come up with something new rather than just turning the fashion from two years ago upside down and adding a handbag!”

Meanwhile, Harry Tranks, a local vagabond, thief and down-and-out has wandered through the back door of the theatre, via the kitchen and onto the stage. He’s managed to steal a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese which is tucked under one arm and over the other is draped a feather boa which he took from the dressing rooms.

Harry is soaked full of wine, cheap cider and lighter fluid so, as normal, he has no idea of where he is or what is going on. His clothes are torn and stained and one of his shoes is missing a heel, which makes him walk with the same alarming, jerky stride as the models.

Lotta spots him staggering towards her down the catwalk.
“Now this looks more interesting,” she purrs.

Harry chooses that moment to step on the end of the boa. He goes into a sideways spin and throws his hands out to stop his fall. The glass bowl makes a shining arc through the spotlights and delivers a trail of tomato-covered spaghetti that starts in the second row seats around Sting, splatters across the lap of Victoria Beckham and ends on the top of Lotta Fussenshytes dyed blonde head.

For a moment there’s complete silence, but then Lotta says; “Beautiful, just beautiful. I thought that fashion was dead but that display has reawakened long dormant feelings in my heart. This is what we shall all be wearing next Spring!”
The crowd goes wild.

And that explains my appearance this evening, darling.
I’m not drunk and I haven’t been fighting in the Italian restaurant. It’s a fashion thing.

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Charmer

Posted on October 5, 2024 by Dr Pete

Matt Damon has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by US magazine People
The magazine said it chose Matt Damon as the sexiest man of 2007 thanks to “his dedication to his family” and “his irresistible sense of humour.”

If that’s what it takes, I’ve definitely got it.
I’ve got a family. A wife and some kids.
And my sense of humour is great, you only have to ask Maureen the bar maid at my local pub. I’m down there every night making them laugh.
Last night Maureen was saying she was worried she was a bit overweight and I said, “You’re so fat that when you go to the cinema you sit next to everybody!”
She thought that was great. She was still laughing when she accidentally tripped me down the front steps on my way out.

Yeah, next year I’ll write to People magazine and nominate myself for Sexiest Man Alive.
Maureen said I’d be lucky to meet one out of three of those descriptions if I didn’t watch myself.
Fat cow.

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Counted out

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Dr Pete

The producers of TV’s ‘Countdown’ have been criticised for the ‘nasty’ way in which they have released long serving Carol Vorderman.

“This was dealt with in such an awful way,” a friend told BBC Radio 5 Live. “How below the belt.”
Vorderman, who is paid up to £1m for 225 episodes a year, was offered less than £100,000, according to her agent.

“Now Carol, please choose your nine letters.”
“I’ll have three vowels and six consonants, please.”

“Ok, you have ‘a’,’e’,’u’, two ‘d’s, two ‘n’s, an ‘r’ and a ‘t’. Your thirty seconds starts now.”

The clock counts down and Carol scribbles furiously on her paper and frowns at the results.
The thirty seconds is up.

“Right, what do you have, Carol?”
“I have a seven letter word; ‘daunted’,” says Carol.

“Ooooh, not quite good enough I’m afraid. We have nine letters; ‘redundant’.”
“Oh.”

“Never mind, Carol, perhaps you’ll do better in the Numbers Round. Let’s see what you can make from a ‘one’ and five ‘zeros’.”

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Knitted

Posted on October 3, 2024 by Dr Pete

Trendy designer, Rachael Matthews, has sparked outrage with a set of knitting patterns to make woolly models of the world’s most evil dictators, for example; her Nazi design named Knitler.

A spokesman for the Jewish Network said: “You would hope people would have more sense than to take a cuddly Hitler into work.”

Yes, you would hope that, but then you’d hope that people would have more sense than to pierce so many rings and ornaments in their faces that they look like they’ve been caught in a jewellery factory explosion. Despite your hopes, they still do it.

It could be that other tyrants featured in knitting patterns are Iraqi monster Saddam Woolsein, Uganda’s brutal Knitty Amin and Cambodian dictator Purl Pot.

There are rumours that a range of celebrity knitted models may be on sale soon.

These may include singers Knitney Spears, Threadie Mercury and Knitney Houston, along with actor Brad Knit and his ex Jennifer Yarniston.
Or they may not.

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Get down boy!

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Dr Pete

The Open Wound has discovered that fearless German Shepherd dogs are being trained to jump from aircraft at 25,000ft wearing their own oxygen masks and strapped to special forces assault teams.
Once down in hostile terrain in Iraq or Afghanistan, the dogs will seek out insurgents’ hideouts with tiny cameras fixed to their heads. The cameras will beam live TV pictures back to the troops, warning of ambushes or showing enemy leaders’ locations.

The dogs were trained using the controversial Darwin Method that involved dropping them in batches from ever-increasing heights. Those that quickly learnt to pull the ripcord on the parachute survived to go on to the next part of the training.

The SAS have run extensive tests by parachuting the camera dogs into the nurses’ apartments at a local hospital.
“I’ve spent hours pouring over the footage we’ve had back,” said Sergeant Probe. “The nurses made it hard for me but nothing I couldn’t handle.”

There has been one unpleasant incident when an actual German shepherd was included in the program following an administrative error. He managed the parachute training, strapped to an SAS soldier, but was later rushed to hospital having consumed a tin of Cesar Senior (chicken and beef).

Sources report that the Taliban are already organising counter measures including electrifying lampposts, strapping land mines to cats and teaching small boys to throw sticks into fast rivers<

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