The Open Wound has discovered that fearless German Shepherd dogs are being trained to jump from aircraft at 25,000ft wearing their own oxygen masks and strapped to special forces assault teams.
Once down in hostile terrain in Iraq or Afghanistan, the dogs will seek out insurgents’ hideouts with tiny cameras fixed to their heads. The cameras will beam live TV pictures back to the troops, warning of ambushes or showing enemy leaders’ locations.
The dogs were trained using the controversial Darwin Method that involved dropping them in batches from ever-increasing heights. Those that quickly learnt to pull the ripcord on the parachute survived to go on to the next part of the training.
The SAS have run extensive tests by parachuting the camera dogs into the nurses’ apartments at a local hospital.
“I’ve spent hours pouring over the footage we’ve had back,” said Sergeant Probe. “The nurses made it hard for me but nothing I couldn’t handle.”
There has been one unpleasant incident when an actual German shepherd was included in the program following an administrative error. He managed the parachute training, strapped to an SAS soldier, but was later rushed to hospital having consumed a tin of Cesar Senior (chicken and beef).
Sources report that the Taliban are already organising counter measures including electrifying lampposts, strapping land mines to cats and teaching small boys to throw sticks into fast rivers<