Hooray! Cosmopolitan Magazine has printed a list of secret sex tips guaranteed to drive guys wild. It’s pretty hot stuff so prepare to be shocked, gentle reader.
“Once my office ‘phone rang and when I answered I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself,” says Jakob (28).
Send her out to work, Jakob, she’s clearly a time waster.
“Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you can have without touching each other.” Jean Claude (25)
Although it’s obvious that Jean Claude has a problem it’s nothing on the next guy:
“…my ex would clench her legs together and force me to pry them apart if I wanted some relief.” Frank (31).
No Frank that’s not relief, that’s rape. That’s why she’s your ex, isn’t it Frank? Isn’t it?
“Wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions, like my treasure trail.” Louis (24).
No, I don’t know where that particular trail starts or ends. And I’m happy about that.
Interestingly, Saga magazine has printed a list that is remarkably similar:
“Once my office ‘phone rang and when I answered I heard my wife at home moaning about how she had to touch herself these days. Also could I get a fresh cucumber for tea on my way home?” Alan (63).
“Doing yoga is the quickest way to release trapped wind without touching each other.” Dave (69).
“Wear rubber gloves or a woolly scarf and rub them against sensitive regions, like your eyeballs, you cow.” Bruce (58) (Divorcee).
The Open Wound will be publishing more tips from Cosmo, just as soon as we can work out what they actually mean.