Earlier today boffins attempted to attain everlasting fame and Nobel Prizes by starting up the Large Hagridden Colander. The Colander is approximately 27 kilometres across, which means you can strain a lot of peas but it’s a struggle to fit it in your kitchen cupboard. Its primary purpose however, is to find Higgs Bison.
In fact, all they had to do was ask me, or anybody who’s been to Whipsnade Zoo. Higgs Bison are not hard to find, walk past the Penguins and follow the foul smell until you get to the restaurant. You can see a whole herd of them from there.
Meanwhile, back inside the Colander there’s a terrific explosion and a flash of blinding light. The doors to the laboratory crash open and the boffins stagger out into the daylight.
“What happened? What did you see?” the newspapermen clamour.
“I saw only bright light but I heard the voice of The King,” whispers the first scientist.
“You heard the Word of God!?”
“No, I heard Elvis singing ‘Love Me Tender’,” replies the scientist.
His colleague wipes tears from his cheeks; “It was wonderful, I heard Bach, ‘The Third Brandenburg Concerto’,” he cries.
“The first thirty seconds of ‘Pretty Vacant’ by the Sex Pistols,” says a third.
And so it goes on. All who were present for the experiment have heard a different piece of music, the piece that ties them to the unheard music of the unseen substance of the Universe.
We asked Professor Stephen Hawkins what it all means.
“It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing, doo-wop da doo-wop da do!” he explained. “Doo wop da doo wop da do…please help me..da doo wop…my voice box seems to be…da woo da wop ….”