The price of immortality

A college at Cambridge University has been renamed after a former student who donated £30m.

New Hall will become Murray Edwards College after donors Ros and Steve Edwards and founder Dame Rosemary Murray.


Immortality for sale! 

I quickly contacted my old secondary school in sleepy Middle England, only to find that after many years of attempting to educate the local farm hands, inbreds and village idiots they have given up, closed it as a Comprehensive and sold it to the Church of Scientology. 


However, the new owners seem pretty nice people and told me that for the right sort of donation I could still achieve immortality.  For £100 I could have one cubicle in the boys’ toilets named after me or for a mere £50 an oven in the Food Technology Unit (kitchen) would carry my name.  A tenner gets you your own hook in the cloakroom.


Alternatively, for £1m I could avoid death altogether and fly off in a space ship.


Mmmm… what to choose?


I only have bad memories of the toilet cubicles.  Chronic diarrhoea might possibly force a pupil to face the bullying that would accompany a toilet visit, otherwise it was literally a no go area.  No fond recollections of the kitchen either, although it was easier to urinate there.

What about a coat hook?

No bad experiences for me personally, but often I would walk past the cloakroom and see small boys hanging by their blazer collars from the hooks.
“’Morning Joseph, you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok Pete.  Just hanging out, you know.”

You had to laugh and keep walking in case the teachers hung you up as well.


In the end I gave the Church £25 to have my name carved into the wood of “Wackers Ashy”.  A mad History teacher named Randall intimidated and punished the pupils with this long, thick, ash cane.   

If “Wackers Ashy” is ever used in anger again the name ‘Dr Pete’ will be immortalised into the soft flesh of a young person’s buttocks.  
Although, come to think of it, it will say ‘eteP rD’.


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