New York’s coolest sexperts Em & Lo have brought out a book called Sex; How to Do Everything. I haven’t read it, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes, but for anybody who wants to Do everything it’s probably great. It tells you how to do each other, how to do the exhaust pipe on your car, how to get the cat done and how to do the Sunday Times crossword.
Em & Lo say: It’s great to share your fantasy with your partner. If a threesome turns you on, but you don’t actually want to go through with it, try a pretend threesome together.
Last night in bed I suggested to the wife that we try a threesome.
“Who with?” she enquired, picking up a large paper-weight from the bedside table.
“No one,” I replied, “well maybe a pretend person.”
“A pretend person?” She was gripping the paper weight very hard.
“Yeah, a sort of fantasy person.”
“We’re not going to want the same thing; so that would be two pretend people?”
She squeezed a droplet of water from the paper-weight.
“Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.”
“Right. Well you stay your side of the bed with your pretend person and I’ll stay over here with mine. Ok?”
“Yes, dear. Are you going to put that paper-weight down now?”