Offside offspring

It’s today’s episode of ‘Road and Street Battle Cop Chase Show Extreme’ and Sergeant Nick Crass and Sergeant Chris Snarl of the Criminal Response Armed Police Unit (CRAP) are going in, and they’re going in hard. 

A white Fiat Punto has triggered their CRAP car’s advanced computer systems and the two police officers are suddenly plunged into a reckless, dangerous, and ultimately pointless car chase.  Throwing his copy of The Sun and his bacon buttie to the floor, Nick Crass floors the accelerator and the high-powered saloon leaps into the evening gloom after the fleeing Fiat.

“At last some action!”  says Crass.  “Get that camera rolling!” he shouts to the hippy curled up on the back seat.

Travelling through the country lanes of Berkshire the police car soon catches the little Fiat but is unable to overtake.  The cameraman is getting some good shots and we can see that the car contains eight teenage boys, wedged so tight that they don’t even bounce when their car hits a bump. 

The boy driver has obviously been practising on his Playstation as he keeps a pretty tight line around the corners and so far has killed only a handful of hedgerow creatures.  Eventually his luck runs out though, when a tractor pulling a seed sowing machine appears coming towards them and blocking most of the road.  The offside of the Fiat is opened up like a sardine can and the two boys sitting that side find that their tracksuits have been sown with edible field beans with a light coating of spring fertiliser.

“Okay lads,” says Sergeant Snarl as he and Crass pull the boys from the disabled motor, “let’s all take it easy and I’ll get some of your details down.”   
He pulls out his notebook and pencil.

“That is so-ooo boring!” complains the driver. “Can’t we just do the chasing bit now?”
“Now, now Samuel,” says Snarl, in a fatherly manner.
“There’s a right way and a wrong way of doing these things.  I’ll do the paperwork, then you lot can run off whilst my back’s turned.  Okay?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” Samuel shrugs.

Snarl and Crass interview and search the boys.
“Oh, look what I’ve found here, Chris!” says Nick.  “Tin foil, a spoon and a cigarette lighter, you know what that means?”
“They’ve been trying to cook a very small chicken?”
“No!  It means drugs are involved somehow, let’s turn our backs and go to the car to discuss it.”

Suddenly the boys are off and running in all directions like rabbits.  Chris and Nick charge after them but they’re too slow and soon only the driver is in sight.
“Same time tomorrow, Samuel?” shouts Snarl, hopefully.
“Can’t do that Chris, Spurs are on the tele'” Samuel replies.
“What about Thursday?”
“Yeah, okay, you’re on, see you at Junction 3 about seven o’clock!”
The two coppers wave goodbye as Samuel joins his friends in a distant, ploughed field.

“I dunno what we’d do without that boy Samuel,” says Snarl, “can you imagine how dull our evenings would be?”
Crass puts a friendly arm around Snarl’s shoulders as they walk back to the cars.
“Yeah, you’ve brought him up well Chris, you couldn’t ask for a more considerate son.”

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