Do you know what’s really started to annoy me?
Well, hang on a second I’ll tell you. Hang on.
Okay! I’m going to tell you. In a moment. Here it comes:
It’s the way that tv programme hosts and judges put that annoying pause in before they tell you who has won, or who has been evicted, or whose bun tastes the best.
“And the winner of Channel 4’s Granddad of the Year Show is …..”
The host pauses, staring down at the results card, a slight frown creasing his brow as if he can’t actually believe what he is reading.
The camera shot switches between the tense and anxious faces of the three granddads who have managed to survive eleven episodes of the vile program to get to the final cull.
The host finally speaks:
Granddad Arthur lifts his head expectantly.
“…it might be you.. Granddad Bobby….”
Granddad Bobby shoots the host a desperate look.
“..it’s not you.”
The host looks around for Granddad Elvis but he has already left the building. He hasn’t got enough life left to waste time with this crap.
For God’s Sake! For a reason that I forget I decided to waste several hours of my life watching your cookery competition, hair dressing contest, survival test, antiques sale encounter or whatever it bloody was and now you think you can improve my experience by keeping me hanging like a dog begging for a sweet.
Well I’m going to tell you where you can stick it! Just hang on a minute.
Bit longer. Bit longer…….